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It’s Not Me, It’s You.

It’s not me, it’s you.

Dear men that like to call me “the coolest girl FRIEND” or that think I’m so “funny,”

Hi. How are you? I hope that you’re doing well. I really didn’t want to do this over the internet, but I feel like this is best. Before I begin, I just want you to know that I care about you, and that I never meant to hurt you.

I should start with a big thank you. Thank you for being such a fan of me. You’re always the first to invite me out with your friends because I’m so much fun. Thanks for always laughing, I mean you probably can’t help it based on the fact that you always tell me how funny you think I am. Thanks for recognizing that I’m one of the “cool” girls, and that I’m not tons of drama like those other girls. And lastly, thank you for always reminding me that I’m one of your best girlfriends. Really, thank you for all of this. It has all meant so much to me.

But you see… here’s the problem. I can’t be the ultimate friend for you anymore. I can’t be the girl who is always available, always funny, and always so cool. You see, all of these traits are things that you tell me that you want in a girlfriend, but like, you always seem to make it clear that you don’t want me as a girlfriend. Which is so totally fine. But, like no cow, no milk (the only time you’ll ever see me refer to myself as a cow.)

I’m breaking up with you. I’m not going to be your non-girlfriend girl friend. Like, we can still be friends, but not close-close friends. Ya know? Ugh, I know this is abrupt, and it really came out of nowhere. I’m sorry to blindside you like this. Before I leave you to try and make sense out of all of this, please let me leave you with some advice and some words to help the break up.

It’s not me. It never was. It’s you. 

Like, I think we can both establish, I’m pretty great. You say it yourself, you think that I’m funny, that I’m cute, that I am fun, smart, the type of girl you’d want to end up with, etc. I mean we even have a pact to get married in 10 years if neither of us are married. BUT, for some reason the idea of actually dating me is just so… not. Like, it’s not a thing.

If you ask me, this comes down to a lot of misunderstanding of how girls/I work. I actually just heard this on my most recent date, he said, “I just don’t get girls. They are just so confusing to me. There’s too much going on with all of you.”

Well, let me break it down for you. There’s not a lot really going on here. Those “crazy, complicated” girls that you’re talking about are the same 18/19 year old girls getting all of their dating advice from the Cosmopolitan Snapchat story. Here are a few things that I think you (and your friends) need to understand about me (if not all young adult women):

1. I am not trying to lock you into eternity right now. Like, it’s one date. Calm down.  For some reason the idea of one date means marriage. I’ve heard, “I don’t want to ask her on a date. I don’t want her to be in love/obsessed with me.” Now I say this from the very bottom of my heart and with so much love when I say, get over yourself.

I’m going to let you in on exactly what I do when I get home from a date. I get home, immediately take off my pants, and put on leggings (there is an 100% chance I wore my tight skinny jeans to impress you, but they are making those weird lines on my stomach and cutting off circulation by this point.) I then tell my roommates how it went. I tell them what we did for the date and then all of the nice things you said and then all of the terribly awkward things that I did. Then, they always ask me if I would go on a second date with you if you asked. And then we go about the rest of our lives like normal. There is no wedding planning, there is no journal writing parties, nothing. It was just a date. Basically, don’t be so afraid of asking me or anyone else out on just one date. It’s not that big of a deal. Like someone once said, “Just do it.”

2. You’re supposed to marry your best friend. Like, that’s a thing. You’re going to spend an eternity with this person, so maybe it’s not such a bad thing if they are funny, cool, and nice. I always here guys say, “No, I can’t date her. She’s like my best friend.” Well, like, that good?? And remember my last point, it’s one date. As long as there is communication there and you aren’t being a horn dog, it won’t “ruin your friendship.” Just do it. Try it out. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you ended up with your best friend. Just saying.

3. You marry who you date, that’s just a fact. So… if you’re not dating then you’re not getting married any time soon. I hear all the time, “I’m not married yet, wahh, blah, blah, blah” but where’s the effort?? Like, unless you’re hoping for some sort of arranged marriage, it’s not going to happen until you make it happen, captain. Buck up buddy, and start asking girls on dates.

4. Please stop labeling girls (especially me) or write us off as just one thing. I feel like I get labeled as the “funny” girl 24/7. Sure, I like to laugh and I like when others laugh, no biggie. That’s fine. But I also, love talking about real things. I love history. I’m part of several organizations including Honey, who raises awareness for sexual abuse. I love, love, love to read. I have the most interesting movie collection ranging from Shawshank Redemption to Max Keeble’s Big Move to Space Jam to Sharknado. There’s so much more to me than just “funny.” So my advice? Work on genuinely getting to know us girls before friendzoning us as the funny cool girls.

I know this all might be a lot to take in, but I hope this helps ease the pain. I can’t be your go-to girl anymore. I’m trying to form an actual relationship out here, and if you want to write me off as the “funny, cool girl” then that’s exactly what I’ll be.  I just have too many guy friends that think of me as a best friend. At the end of the day, I only need one. I’m sure my future husband won’t like seeing all of my hot, best guy friends at our wedding, waiting for a dance. Ya feel?

Like I said, I hope this wasn’t too harsh. I never meant for you to get hurt. I just felt like I had to get these things off of my chest. You deserve more than just the funny, cool, best friend girl. It’s not me, it’s you. Go find your dream girl boo boo.

xoxo Kristen

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