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What To Expect When You’re Expecting (To Be Single In 2017)

What to Expect When You’re Expecting (To Be Single in 2017)

2016 has been quite a doozy, hasn’t it? We’ve seen a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a whole lot of Kardashians.

Almost everyone I know really hated 2016. And you know what? I think it’s because we weren’t prepared. We weren’t prepared for the heartbreak (R.I.P. literally everyone), the ups and downs, or the amount of dance challenges (Mannequin/Juju on that Beat) that 2016 brought into each of our lives.

Tomorrow is the start of 2017, and I want to help YOU be prepared. Benjamin Franklin once said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” We need to prepare for 2017!

Now you might be thinking, “Kristen, your life is a mess. What can you do to help me prepare for 2017??” Well, let me tell you… I am the mo’effing expert on being single. I was single for all of 2016, so I’ve seen it all, I know what it’s all about.

Feeling crappy about being single is the root of about 47% of my issues, and I’m barely taking control of that. BUT, for those of you entering 2017 newly single, you’re not prepared like I am. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen (a lot of nights eating cookie dough and watching Netflix.) LISTEN TO ME: do not fear being single in 2017, because I’m going to share my knowledge of what it’s like to be single so that *YOU* can be prepared.

Here is what you should expect in 2017, your year of singleness:

  1. You are going to have friends that say at least one of the following, just smile and nod:
    1. Having a BF/GF isn’t as good as it seems
    2. Ugh, you’re so lucky. Enjoy being single while you can!
    3. It’ll happen when you least expect it.
  2. You’re not going to be invited to everything. Sometimes your cute friends in relationships want to do fun things with other cute people in relationships and guess what… YOU AREN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP (but you are cute.) But yeah, they aren’t going to invite you because you’re single. Couples camping trip, couples trip to Vegas, Couples date to go ice skating, yeah, no, you’re not invited to any of these. Just be prepared for the FOMO.
  3. At first, family will ask a lot about your dating life, but alas that won’t last forever. Eventually, they won’t ask you about dating anymore because they feel sorry and awkward and uncomfortable. So like #winning because you don’t have to talk about it, but also #sucks because you’re loneliness makes your crazy aunt feel awkward.

    Me in my natural single habitat

  4. You WILL have really nice friends that just can’t understand HOW YOU’RE STILL SINGLE. They will say it… often. And, it’s always awkward, because if you’re like, “I know! WHY AM I SINGLE??” then they think you’re sad and have low self-esteem and it gets sad real quick. So when they ask how the heck you’re still single, just giggle and shrug and switch the conversation.
  5. You’re going to get the urge to try Tinder. There’s a weird satisfaction one gets when they see that a stranger on the internet thought that they looked hot enough to right swipe. My advice? Don’t do it. Or at least download Bumble. But try and stay away from those things. Trust. Me.
  6.  You’re going to want to delete Facebook/Instagram during wedding season. Why? It’s the captions. Like, engagement photos, “Mrs.BlahBlah has a nice RING to it.” And then there’s the countdowns “78 more days until eternity.” Yeah, I just can’t. THEN the 10,000 wedding photos come. Those captions are even worse because they always start off with, “Just got the wedding pics back, get ready for some double-posts.” 134 photos posted in a row later….. You find yourself hating your friends while you sit alone in your room watching New Girl. It’s a sad life.
  7. A friend is going to try and set you up with someone, and you will be slightly offended. THIS is what you think of me?? But don’t be offended, they’re just trying to help you out.
  8. At one point this year, you are going to like someone, you are going to think that they might like you too, and then you are going to have your heart ripped out when you find out that they don’t like you. It’s going to happen. Just be prepared. It’s not reflection on you, they just suck.
  9. You’ll have at least one friend that will make a single pact with you, and then break it the second they find someone. “This is OUR year. Our year to be single and do whatever the H*CK we want!” And then a guy will smile at her at the store, and it’s all over. It’s OK, because the second you find someone that shows interest in you, you’ll drop her too. Don’t hate her too much.
  10. You’re going to go on at least one bad date, it will happen. This year I was on a date where the guy spoke for a solid 90 minutes without taking a breath. Like, it was nice because I could eat my Zupas in peace, but also what about me??? So yeah, you’ll go on a bad date, heck you might go on 10 bad dates, but just remember, it’s not you, it’s them. (Unless it is you, then maybe you should not do whatever you were doing.)
  11. You’re going to realize that almost every holiday has turned into a social media “my significant other is better/cuter than yours” war. President’s Day, Pioneer Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day…. All of these holidays are now accompanied with “Spending *insert holiday here* with him” and tons of heart eye emojis.  It’s the actual worst. Just be prepared to scroll right past all of those posts.
  12. Weirdly enough… Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that a lot of friends will be considerate of your loneliness, at least in my experience. Your friends that are in relationships will actually avoid talking about Valentine’s Day around you. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re worried it will make you feel uncomfortable or if it just makes them feel uncomfortable because you’re so alone, but they will avoid talking about Valentine’s Day, and that’s super nice. Thank you guys.
  13. There will be times (it might be all the time) when you feel vulnerable and particularly alone…. and you will be attracted to every single single person you come across. Your childhood best friend, your home teacher, your nerdy co-worker, and literally anyone else with a heart beat all become completely and totally irresistible. Why? BECAUSE YOU THIRSTY. And that’s okay. It’s okay to fall in love with everyone, just don’t act on it. Okay? Okay.

I could write a book about all of the things to expect when you’re single in your 20’s, but I don’t have the patience or emotional stamina to do that. But if you’re feeling scared or nervous to start 2017 as a single guy/gal, don’t be afraid because you’re not alone. Well, you are, but like so am I, so like I’m here for you.

Happy New Year! Let’s kick some serious butt.

xoxo Kristen

This Post Has 4 Comments
  1. You are seriously the best! I have just spent the last few hours reading your blog posts, and I am not even mad. In fact, I think you may just be my spirit animal. Hahaha! SO funny!

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