Every Thought I’ve Had On A First Date

If you’re reading this, we probably haven’t gone on a date. I’m sorry. You’re seriously missing out. (lol not really.)

BUT, I’m sure you’re now thinking… “Hmm. Kristen. I’ve never gone on a date with her. I wonder what it would be like.” Well, let me tell you, there’s only one way to find out. Okay, now it seems like I’m begging for a date. I’m not (I am.) Honestly… I don’t know where I’m going with this. This was just supposed to be a funny introduction to my blog post.


Here you go, here is every thought I have while on a date:

*boy calls/texts to ask me out on date*

I’m confused.

Did he mean to ask me?

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe he meant to call a different “Kristen.”

I feel like he was very vague about what we were doing…

What type of shoes am I supposed to wear to this?

Is this something where I should I eat before hand? Light snack or full meal?

*15 minutes before he comes to pick me up*

LOL what if he doesn’t come + stands me up………….

WAIT WHAT IF HE DOESN’T COME

*doorbell rings*

Good. He showed up. This is a good start.

Open the door and be cool.

Um, are we supposed to hug?

Am I supposed to introduce him to my roommates?

Okay. This is weird now.

*walking to the car*

Is he walking towards my door to open it?

What do I do with my hands?

*he opens my door + I’m just sitting in the car looking at him as he is closing my door*

Do I say thank you?? Nope. The door is closed.

*ordering at Zupas*

Soup and sandwich? Sandwich and salad? Soup and salad?

No soup and salad. Who would do that when sandwhich is an option??

*I get to the cash register while he’s still ordering, cashier asks if this is by itself or if I’m with someone*

I shouldn’t ASSUME he’s paying but also if he doesn’t…..

I mean if I’m paying for my own food I wouldn’t have chosen Zupas…

Oh good. He’s here + saying that we’re together.

*starts frantically looking for an open booth because tables suck*

I hope he’s not a same side of the booth type guy.

Wow. Very quick to sit on the other side……. Interesting.

I wonder if I’m going to see anyone I know here.

Oh crap, there’s that one girl I hate from my old job.

Okay. I’m waving to her now.

Perfect now she’s coming to say hi.

How do I introduce him?

Yep, I said, “this is my friend *insert his name here* oops.

I wonder who he voted for…

Am I eating too fast?

Eat slower.

Crap now he’s done eating and I still have half of my food left.

Wait, maybe I shouldn’t finish my food?

Will not finishing my food make me look dainty or wasteful?

LOL K I’ll ask him a big question + then finish this in 3 bites while he’s talking.

*walking back to his car*

Wait is he walking towards my door again?

I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.

Do I make eye contact with him while he closes my door?

Bad idea. Eye contact was weird. Now he thinks I’m a serial killer. Perfect.

*driving home*

Wait. He likes Usher? I also like Usher…

Perfect. He watched the Carpool Karaoke.

WAIT HE SECRETLY LOVES ONE DIRECTION TOO?

I need to calm down…

Breathe.

*walking me to my door*

Am I supposed to hug him now?

Kristen. DON’T. TRY. TO. SHAKE. HIS. HAND.

Wait, that was a good hug. I’m glad I didn’t try and shake his hand.

Close the door Kristen + DON’T WAVE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU LOVE WAVING.

*date is over*

I’m still hungry.


I hope you enjoyed your ~~free~~ date with me. It’s way more exciting in person. I promise. I don’t want to be that guy… but might I point out that I didn’t once think:

He asked me out. He’s in love with me.

Ugh, he probably wants to marry me.

What are we going to name our first 2 kids?

I wonder if he has plans for Thanksgiving?

I wonder how he feels about a spring wedding… Honestly I would do a summer or winter or fall wedding too.

WOW. I think he’s obsessed with me…

You see, first dates are the worst. There are so many other things I’m thinking about, I have very little time or ability to be thinking about our future wedding.

I think we all get a little spooked out about asking people on first dates because we don’t want them to think that we’re in love with them. Well, let this be a reminder… there are so many things to be thinking about on a first date, that ain’t nobody got time to worry about all the other stuff. Take a leap. Ask someone on a date. It’ll be worth it.

xoxo

Kristen

p.s. feel free to ask me on a date via DM or email or call or text or a hand-delivered letter

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Why I Feel Personally Attacked by Dean From BIP

Disclaimer: This is a post specifically about people from Bachelor in Paradise, BUT I feel like everyone should read it. LOLOLOL I mean I feel like everyone should read everything I write… but anyway I feel like this is still relatable content for all. Please enjoy.

Hello. My name is Kristen. You might’ve forgotten who I was because I haven’t posted in a while. I’m so sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on… and by that I mean I was outside enjoying summer, I started a new/amazing job, and… The Bachelorette + Bachelor in Paradise were in full force these last few months. I’ve clearly had zero time to blog. Priorities people.

Now that Fall is here and Chris Harrison is giving me a breather, I finally have time to start blogging again. Hallelujah.


Like I said, my life has been a little consumed by the Bachelor franchise recently. Between Rachel not choosing Peter, Demario + Corrine, and The Dean Issue, I’ve been a hot mess. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about when I say, “The Dean Issue,” consider yourself lucky. But also, consider yourself a little unlucky because that’s all I’m talking about today????

SO, here is the Kristen’s Reader’s Digest version of who Dean Unglert is and why I’m talking about him:

  • Dean is the adorable boy-child from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He was the youngest guy this season and looked like he walked right out of an Old Navy commercial. SERIOUSLY SO PRECIOUS.
  • Dean made it to the Hometowns where he revealed some serious daddy issues. Every woman in America fell in love with him while he cried on the floor. He was just so vulnerable + so beautiful. AGH.
  • Rachel sent him home RIGHT after he told her he loved her… and that’s when my hate for Rachel began….
  • Fast forward a few months and homeboy arrives in (Bachelor In) Paradise. You already KNOW every girl was ready to swoop in. The lucky girl that got to take Dean on a date was America/Russia’s very own sweetheart, Kristina. She has her own story that is worth telling (but tbh I don’t have the energy) but basically she had an evil mother in Russia + then was adopted and brought to America. Her teacher once told her, “If you stay in Russia, your life will be in black and white … and if you go to the U.S., it will be in color.” So she’s out here, living in color, in Paradise taking Hottie McHottie Dean on date. What could go wrong?
  • K. So production is shut down because of the scandal, and everyone is sent home. While home, Dean + Kristina continue to talk/see each other, and they even go on a road trip together.
  • Production for Bachelor in Paradise ends up resuming, everyone heads back to Paradise, and things are going just swell for Dean and Kristina. BUT THEN, Danielle L (D.Lo) walks into Paradise in a dress showing all the goodies, and swoops Dean up. They make out on the beach and Kristina cries.
  • The rest of the show continues in a weird back and forth where Dean is cuddling/making out/having DTR converstaions with both girls on the same beach 10 feet apart until Kristina finally decides that she’s had enough + decides to send herself home.
  • THEN, Dean cries the next morning and tells D.Lo that he actually loved Kristina and now he’s sad… so he goes home too.

OK, now here are some of my favorite quotes from Dean from this season:

“I’m just like… figuring it all out.” – Dean’s motto for the season

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap: A GIF by GIF Guide!

“I’m in a very interesting situation right now… You know Kristina is very, very interested in our relationship, but I’m very interested and attracted to Danielle L.” – Dean explaining his “situation”

 

AND HERE IS THE MOMENT WHEN EVERY GIRL FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH DEAN UNGLERT:

“Kristina is just so much more like, perceptive and smart, and like, is an  interesting person altogether. Uh, but D-Lo is just so f***ing hot.” (Btw I definitely screamed a very bad word when I first heard him say this.)

https://nypdecider.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/the-bachelor-scared-of-heights.gif?w=618&h=342

 

 

Okay last but not least, here is one of my fave conversations between Dean + Kristina:

“I care so much more about the way that you feel than Danielle.” -Dean

“Really?” -Kristina

*Dean shakes his head and smiles* He then tells her how smart + attractive she is and how he is infatuated by her. Then they kiss.

THEN LIKE 5 MINUTES LATER HE TALKS TO D.LO AND FREAKING KISSES HER AND TELLS HER THAT HE IS INFATUATED BY HER.


Okay. Hopefully you’re all caught up now.

For those of you who watched Bachelor in Paradise/or read my wonderful Reader’s Digest version of the events, you KNOW how mad you were/are at Dean. But why? Every season has a terrible playboy that hurts everyone’s favorite girl. That’s literally what the show is about, “love” and drama. They wouldn’t have lasted one season if the show was about respectful dating and mature decisions. BUT WHY DOES THE DEAN VS. KRISTINA VS. D.LO SITUATION STING SO MUCH??

Because it is so real.

In the words of Taylor Swift, “ARE YOU READY FOR IT?” Let’s try to put this into some real life perspective.

Dean is the average cute-borderline-hot guy we all know. He’s got some family problems that makes any girl fantasize about hugging him while he cries and you both kiss in between drinking hot chocolate on a snowy night. He’s got the cutest smile + laugh, and everyone loves him. Seriously. Girls think he’s literally perfection and all of the guys think he’s “the man.”

Kristina is every single one of us (unless you’re a D-Lo… if so, you go girl.) She is the girl just trying to find love. She’s playing “the game” but only because she sees it as a means to find a happily ever after, not because she actually enjoys it. LITERALLY EVERYONE loves her + wants her to find love + but also none of us understand how she’s ending up in such a crappy situation??????? She deserves so much more than what she’s getting, but the smooth talking hottie Dean knows exactly what to say to keep her coming back for more.

D-Lo is the classic hot girl that ruins everything. She’s not actually a terrible person, but she’s hot and that makes us hate her. None of us are too sure if she has a personality #1 because we’ve never heard her say anything noteworthy and #2 because the only things people say about her are “she’s so hot” and… “she’s so hot.” Dean (the hot guy) took a liking to her which isn’t necessarily her fault… After watching a lot of the interviews, it seems like she didn’t really understand the whole situation when getting involved, and that Dean worded thing to make it seem like he wasn’t involved exclusively with Kristina. Dean is the real enemy here, but we still hate D.Lo. And you know what? That’s not okay… but that’s just the way that it is. Sorry D-Lo (and you if you find yourself being the D.Lo in a situation.)

You see where I’m going with this? The reason we all felt personally victimized by Dean Unglert is because we’ve all been there.

We’ve all been the girl just trying to find love with the wrong guy. If you’re in a college town (like, I don’t know… Provo for instance….) it’s a thousand times worse. There’s always going to be a D.Lo to your Dean. There will always be someone who is hotter than you or more exotic + exciting. Guess what? That freaking sucks. But that’s also life and we just gotta learn to deal.

For a long time I’ve thought to myself, “I wish I could be hotter, and then I could be the hot girl that these guys want.” But… watching this season I realized that that wasn’t the answer. No matter how amazing Kristina was… Dean wasn’t looking for love, he was looking for a hot hookup. There was nothing that Kristina could have done that would have changed that.

I can’t even begin to count the times a guy has gone with another girl over me and my first thoughts are, “maybe I’m not pretty enough/funny enough/cool enough/etc.” The fact of the matter is that not everyone is looking for the exact same things at the same time. If Kristina would’ve realized during the 3rd week that Dean was just trying to get jiggy with it + not get tied down, she would’ve saved so much heartache and time.

Beyonce GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

SO IF YOU’RE FINDING YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE BEING STRUNG ALONG, take a step back. Do you both want different things? If so, bounce. Honey, you will not change his mind. Trust me. Also, you don’t need to beg ANYONE to care about you. If he ain’t willing to care, then don’t give him the time of day.

When Kristina left the show, she said, “‘In my next relationship I want to be valued, I want to be respected, and I want to be put first by someone who admires me for who I am and sees the value in me.”

All I have to say is YAAAAAAAS QUEEN.


Here are my final words on the subject:

MEN: If you’re reading this… hello. I’m so glad you made it to the end of this post. Here’s the deal, if you’re #1 dating multiple girls or #2 dating a girl but not too sure if you actually care about her enough to continue to date her: make a decision. Dating has become such a “why date this girl when there’s maybe something better out there” game. That’s fine, but remember, the grass is hardly greener on the other side. You can trust that. You aren’t trying to decide which kind of pre-workout to use, you’re dealing with real people with real emotions. Alternatively, please remember that women are strong as hell. Don’t try to “save” our feelings. If you know at one point that you’re not interested in progressing in a relationship, please speak up so that way we can move on. No girl has ever said, “Ugh, he’s such a jerk. He told me exactly what he was feeling and respected my emotions.” Last but not least, if you would rather have the hot girl then the smart + interesting girl, than let the smart + interesting girl know so that way she can stop wasting her time on you.

WOMEN: You are strong as hell. You don’t NEED a man to feel complete. If you feel like you’re making a guy your #1 priority + he’s not returning the favor, move on. It’s better to be alone and strong than to be the girl that EVERYONE knows is being played. Because *clap* we *clap* all *clap* know. I know that Bachelor in Paradise is severely dramatized, BUT please remember this: Dean kept telling Kristina “just be patient” and guess what… baby girl Kristina was patient… and while she was being patient, he was making out with D.Lo in the pool in front of cameras AND all of Kristina’s friends. IF HE AIN’T TRYING TO DATE/WIFE YOU, (and that’s what you want) THEN DON’T GIVE HIM YOUR 100%. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less. There are seriously so many fish in the sea, don’t waste your time on a snake.

And finally, genders/roles for everything I’ve just said can be totally reversed. Maybe you’re the best guy going after a girl that’s only trying to hook up. The same rules apply. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less.

I love you all + I’m very excited to start blogging more. I hope you are too.

Keep it sassy.

xoxo Kristen

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What to Expect When You’re Expecting (To Be Single in 2017)

2016 has been quite a doozy, hasn’t it? We’ve seen a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a whole lot of Kardashians.

Almost everyone I know really hated 2016. And you know what? I think it’s because we weren’t prepared. We weren’t prepared for the heartbreak (R.I.P. literally everyone), the ups and downs, or the amount of dance challenges (Mannequin/Juju on that Beat) that 2016 brought into each of our lives.

Tomorrow is the start of 2017, and I want to help YOU be prepared. Benjamin Franklin once said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” We need to prepare for 2017!

Now you might be thinking, “Kristen, your life is a mess. What can you do to help me prepare for 2017??” Well, let me tell you… I am the mo’effing expert on being single. I was single for all of 2016, so I’ve seen it all, I know what it’s all about.

Feeling crappy about being single is the root of about 47% of my issues, and I’m barely taking control of that. BUT, for those of you entering 2017 newly single, you’re not prepared like I am. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen (a lot of nights eating cookie dough and watching Netflix.) LISTEN TO ME: do not fear being single in 2017, because I’m going to share my knowledge of what it’s like to be single so that *YOU* can be prepared.

Here is what you should expect in 2017, your year of singleness:

  1. You are going to have friends that say at least one of the following, just smile and nod:
    1. Having a BF/GF isn’t as good as it seems
    2. Ugh, you’re so lucky. Enjoy being single while you can!
    3. It’ll happen when you least expect it.
    4. I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT YOU’RE STILL SINGLE.
  2. You’re not going to be invited to everything. Sometimes your cute friends in relationships want to do fun things with other cute people in relationships and guess what… YOU AREN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP (but you are cute.) But yeah, they aren’t going to invite you because you’re single. Couples camping trip, couples trip to Vegas, Couples date to go ice skating, yeah, no, you’re not invited to any of these. Just be prepared for the FOMO.
  3. At first, family will ask a lot about your dating life, but alas that won’t last forever. Eventually, they won’t ask you about dating anymore because they feel sorry and awkward and uncomfortable. So like #winning because you don’t have to talk about it, but also #sucks because you’re loneliness makes your crazy aunt feel awkward.

    Me in my natural single habitat
  4. You WILL have really nice friends that just can’t understand HOW YOU’RE STILL SINGLE. They will say it… often. And, it’s always awkward, because if you’re like, “I know! WHY AM I SINGLE??” then they think you’re sad and have low self-esteem and it gets sad real quick. So when they ask how the heck you’re still single, just giggle and shrug and switch the conversation.
  5. You’re going to get the urge to try Tinder. There’s a weird satisfaction one gets when they see that a stranger on the internet thought that they looked hot enough to right swipe. My advice? Don’t do it. Or at least download Bumble. But try and stay away from those things. Trust. Me.
  6.  You’re going to want to delete Facebook/Instagram during wedding season. Why? It’s the captions. Like, engagement photos, “Mrs.BlahBlah has a nice RING to it.” And then there’s the countdowns “78 more days until eternity.” Yeah, I just can’t. THEN the 10,000 wedding photos come. Those captions are even worse because they always start off with, “Just got the wedding pics back, get ready for some double-posts.” 134 photos posted in a row later….. You find yourself hating your friends while you sit alone in your room watching New Girl. It’s a sad life.
  7. A friend is going to try and set you up with someone, and you will be slightly offended. THIS is what you think of me?? But don’t be offended, they’re just trying to help you out.
  8. At one point this year, you are going to like someone, you are going to think that they might like you too, and then you are going to have your heart ripped out when you find out that they don’t like you. It’s going to happen. Just be prepared. It’s not reflection on you, they just suck.
  9. You’ll have at least one friend that will make a single pact with you, and then break it the second they find someone. “This is OUR year. Our year to be single and do whatever the H*CK we want!” And then a guy will smile at her at the store, and it’s all over. It’s OK, because the second you find someone that shows interest in you, you’ll drop her too. Don’t hate her too much.
  10. You’re going to go on at least one bad date, it will happen. This year I was on a date where the guy spoke for a solid 90 minutes without taking a breath. Like, it was nice because I could eat my Zupas in peace, but also what about me??? So yeah, you’ll go on a bad date, heck you might go on 10 bad dates, but just remember, it’s not you, it’s them. (Unless it is you, then maybe you should not do whatever you were doing.)
  11. You’re going to realize that almost every holiday has turned into a social media “my significant other is better/cuter than yours” war. President’s Day, Pioneer Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day…. All of these holidays are now accompanied with “Spending *insert holiday here* with him” and tons of heart eye emojis.  It’s the actual worst. Just be prepared to scroll right past all of those posts.
  12. Weirdly enough… Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that a lot of friends will be considerate of your loneliness, at least in my experience. Your friends that are in relationships will actually avoid talking about Valentine’s Day around you. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re worried it will make you feel uncomfortable or if it just makes them feel uncomfortable because you’re so alone, but they will avoid talking about Valentine’s Day, and that’s super nice. Thank you guys.
  13. There will be times (it might be all the time) when you feel vulnerable and particularly alone…. and you will be attracted to every single single person you come across. Your childhood best friend, your home teacher, your nerdy co-worker, and literally anyone else with a heart beat all become completely and totally irresistible. Why? BECAUSE YOU THIRSTY. And that’s okay. It’s okay to fall in love with everyone, just don’t act on it. Okay? Okay.

I could write a book about all of the things to expect when you’re single in your 20’s, but I don’t have the patience or emotional stamina to do that. But if you’re feeling scared or nervous to start 2017 as a single guy/gal, don’t be afraid because you’re not alone. Well, you are, but like so am I, so like I’m here for you.

Happy New Year! Let’s kick some serious butt.

xoxo Kristen

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It’s not me, it’s you.

Dear men that like to call me “the coolest girl FRIEND” or that think I’m so “funny,”

Hi. How are you? I hope that you’re doing well. I really didn’t want to do this over the internet, but I feel like this is best. Before I begin, I just want you to know that I care about you, and that I never meant to hurt you.

I should start with a big thank you. Thank you for being such a fan of me. You’re always the first to invite me out with your friends because I’m so much fun. Thanks for always laughing, I mean you probably can’t help it based on the fact that you always tell me how funny you think I am. Thanks for recognizing that I’m one of the “cool” girls, and that I’m not tons of drama like those other girls. And lastly, thank you for always reminding me that I’m one of your best girlfriends. Really, thank you for all of this. It has all meant so much to me.

But you see… here’s the problem. I can’t be the ultimate friend for you anymore. I can’t be the girl who is always available, always funny, and always so cool. You see, all of these traits are things that you tell me that you want in a girlfriend, but like, you always seem to make it clear that you don’t want me as a girlfriend. Which is so totally fine. But, like no cow, no milk (the only time you’ll ever see me refer to myself as a cow.)

I’m breaking up with you. I’m not going to be your non-girlfriend girl friend. Like, we can still be friends, but not close-close friends. Ya know? Ugh, I know this is abrupt, and it really came out of nowhere. I’m sorry to blindside you like this. Before I leave you to try and make sense out of all of this, please let me leave you with some advice and some words to help the break up.

It’s not me. It never was. It’s you. 

Like, I think we can both establish, I’m pretty great. You say it yourself, you think that I’m funny, that I’m cute, that I am fun, smart, the type of girl you’d want to end up with, etc. I mean we even have a pact to get married in 10 years if neither of us are married. BUT, for some reason the idea of actually dating me is just so… not. Like, it’s not a thing.

If you ask me, this comes down to a lot of misunderstanding of how girls/I work. I actually just heard this on my most recent date, he said, “I just don’t get girls. They are just so confusing to me. There’s too much going on with all of you.”

Well, let me break it down for you. There’s not a lot really going on here. Those “crazy, complicated” girls that you’re talking about are the same 18/19 year old girls getting all of their dating advice from the Cosmopolitan Snapchat story. Here are a few things that I think you (and your friends) need to understand about me (if not all young adult women):

1. I am not trying to lock you into eternity right now. Like, it’s one date. Calm down.  For some reason the idea of one date means marriage. I’ve heard, “I don’t want to ask her on a date. I don’t want her to be in love/obsessed with me.” Now I say this from the very bottom of my heart and with so much love when I say, get over yourself.

I’m going to let you in on exactly what I do when I get home from a date. I get home, immediately take off my pants, and put on leggings (there is an 100% chance I wore my tight skinny jeans to impress you, but they are making those weird lines on my stomach and cutting off circulation by this point.) I then tell my roommates how it went. I tell them what we did for the date and then all of the nice things you said and then all of the terribly awkward things that I did. Then, they always ask me if I would go on a second date with you if you asked. And then we go about the rest of our lives like normal. There is no wedding planning, there is no journal writing parties, nothing. It was just a date. Basically, don’t be so afraid of asking me or anyone else out on just one date. It’s not that big of a deal. Like someone once said, “Just do it.”

2. You’re supposed to marry your best friend. Like, that’s a thing. You’re going to spend an eternity with this person, so maybe it’s not such a bad thing if they are funny, cool, and nice. I always here guys say, “No, I can’t date her. She’s like my best friend.” Well, like, that good?? And remember my last point, it’s one date. As long as there is communication there and you aren’t being a horn dog, it won’t “ruin your friendship.” Just do it. Try it out. It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if you ended up with your best friend. Just saying.

3. You marry who you date, that’s just a fact. So… if you’re not dating then you’re not getting married any time soon. I hear all the time, “I’m not married yet, wahh, blah, blah, blah” but where’s the effort?? Like, unless you’re hoping for some sort of arranged marriage, it’s not going to happen until you make it happen, captain. Buck up buddy, and start asking girls on dates.

4. Please stop labeling girls (especially me) or write us off as just one thing. I feel like I get labeled as the “funny” girl 24/7. Sure, I like to laugh and I like when others laugh, no biggie. That’s fine. But I also, love talking about real things. I love history. I’m part of several organizations including Honey, who raises awareness for sexual abuse. I love, love, love to read. I have the most interesting movie collection ranging from Shawshank Redemption to Max Keeble’s Big Move to Space Jam to Sharknado. There’s so much more to me than just “funny.” So my advice? Work on genuinely getting to know us girls before friendzoning us as the funny cool girls.

I know this all might be a lot to take in, but I hope this helps ease the pain. I can’t be your go-to girl anymore. I’m trying to form an actual relationship out here, and if you want to write me off as the “funny, cool girl” then that’s exactly what I’ll be.  I just have too many guy friends that think of me as a best friend. At the end of the day, I only need one. I’m sure my future husband won’t like seeing all of my hot, best guy friends at our wedding, waiting for a dance. Ya feel?

Like I said, I hope this wasn’t too harsh. I never meant for you to get hurt. I just felt like I had to get these things off of my chest. You deserve more than just the funny, cool, best friend girl. It’s not me, it’s you. Go find your dream girl boo boo.

xoxo Kristen

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A Note From Your Single Friend

Picture

An adorable photo of me w/ my boyfriend.
Shh. Listen. Can you hear it? It’s love. And… it’s in the air.

For most people, love is something they share with another person. For me? It’s something I share with my friends, family, and my Netflix account.

Valentine’s Day is always a little harder on the single peeps. I worked at a restaurant last year on Valentine’s Day, and a customer came in for a table for 1. I wanted to die because people alone on VDay just is… Sad. (Side note: He got a table and set up his iPad. He was Skyping his girlfriend who was in NY. She was also at a restaurant. Even table for 1 had more game than me. Also, ADORABLE right?)

BUT, this post isn’t about Valentine’s Day, per se. This is a post for my single and non-single friends, especially on Valentine’s Day.


DEAR STUPID/UGLY/DUMB PEOPLE IN RELATIONSHIPS

First of all, you aren’t stupid, ugly, or dumb, I’m just jelly. Obvi. Second, you should know that some things that you might say to your single friends… Well, it might annoy them a little (or a lot.) I’ve taken the liberty to jot down a few things that us single people hate hearing.

1) How are you single?! YOU’RE SO GREAT!
Remember when you were little and you would talk about something that you liked (ex: Backstreet Boys,) and your friend would say, “Well, if you like it (Backstreet Boys) so much, why don’t you marry it (Backstreet Boys aka just Nick Carter)??” Like, this is how I feel when people tell me that I’m so stinkin’ great. Like, if you like me so much, why don’t you marry me? I know that’s not very mature, but I’m not very mature. All joking aside, you don’t have to remind your single friends that they are awesome. It will just make them second guess their bad-a**-ness and make them focus on their sad/loneliness and the fact that despite them being so “awesome” they are still completely and utterly alone (holy run-on sentence.)

2) It’ll happen when you least expect it.
I’m 21 and I was supposed to be married when I was 18. Like, not really… but in the town/culture/society I live in.. pretty much. I’m always expecting it. You telling me not to expect it only makes me expect it more. It’s like saying, “Don’t scratch the rash, it’ll make it worse.” I’M GOING TO SCRATCH MYSELF AND YOU CAN’T STOP ME.

3) Having a boyfriend/girlfriend isn’t that great, trust me.
What? Oh, I’m sorry… I couldn’t hear you over the deafening sound of my lonesomeness. It is that great, don’t lie to me! You aren’t fooling anyone. There might be drama in a relationship, but lets look at some positives of a relationship: 1. someone you can text/talk to and they don’t get annoyed at you (immediately) because they kinda like you 2. someone you can always count on supporting you (mainly ensuring you have 1 more like on all social media accounts) 3. always having a friend. SEE? IT IS THAT GREAT.

4) Ugh, they don’t deserve you. You’re too good for them.
Is this a thing? Am I really TOO good for them? Am I just so freaking “good” that they need to find someone a little bit less? Like, I don’t think so. You know what I deserve? Ice cream. Buy me some ice cream instead of these cringe-worthy “compliments” trying to make me feel better. Trust me, that will make me feel WAY better. (Rocky Road please!)

5) I CAN’T believe that you’re single!
Same.


A big thanks goes out to all of my friends that have ever said any of these things to me. I joke about how annoying it is, but it means a lot that y’all care so much. I love you (and your significant others, like not in a weird way but in a “I have to like you because you stole my friend” kind of way.)

This Valentine’s Day I truly am overwhelmed with love. It means so much to me that all of you take the time to read my silly little rants. I started blogging as joke 2 years ago, and now it has become a very big part of my life. Thank you all. Seriously.

Don’t let Valentine’s Day get the best of you.

Keep it sassy ladies and gents.

xoxo Kristen

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