One Year Later

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

Hi. I’ve written/re-written this post like 10 times in the past week. I’ve had so much that I wanted to say… and I just didn’t know the best way to say it. It’s been one year since I posted Rape Isn’t Real. Honestly that might not seem ~that~ crazy to all of you, but for me it has felt like a huge milestone. It’s been one whole year.

It’s been one year since “the girl who was raped” was added to my bio.

It’s been one year since I can finally talk to my friends about everything.

It’s been one year since my friend had to forward my blog post to my best friend on her mission because I couldn’t do it myself.

It’s been one year since my parents realized why I’ve been so “different.”

It’s been one year since I could breathe.

Anyway, all the dramatics aside, it’s been one year and I felt the need to share some thoughts. Here are a few:


  1. Sexual Assault is NEVER the victims fault. After sharing my assault, I read through every single message, text, and comment. Most were loving and supportive, but there were a few wild ones. A few people said that if I had never put myself in that situation, then everything would’ve been fine. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing about a 19 year old girl sleeping over at a boy’s house because it was snowing ASKS for rape. And I can’t think of one thing on this Earth that would cause someone to deserve to be assaulted. Just saying. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, what position of power they have, how late it is, no means no. k?
  2. Our only job is to believe victims. I believe in God + I believe that there will be a judgement day. One day we will all need to step up and answer for what we have done. With that being said, I’m v happy to say, that I won’t be the one making judgements that day. It won’t be my job. Then + now, I only have one job: to love. And that’s what I plan on doing. It’s not my place to judge whether or not a survivor is telling the truth. That is between them, the assaulter, and (one day) God.  I will show my love and support for victims by showing up for them and believing them. I think that’s how it should be for everyone, just believe.
  3. As survivors, we are not alone. One of the most overwhelming things to happen on the last year was the amount of women that reached out to me with similar stories to mine. It broke my heart. It was horrific to know that others have suffered through the same thing that I was still trying to suffer through. While it was horrific, it was also calming. I realized I was not alone. I have found help from many different resources, my favorite being Honey Organization. I’ve attended both a Survivor’s Dinner + a Gather even from them and I never felt safer than I did that night. I was surrounded by people who understood what I had gone through, because they too had gone through it. There is peace to be found, you just have to find it.
  4. Speak your truth. Last year I felt like I couldn’t breathe once my post went live. A secret I had held for so long was no longer a secret (in reality it was never something I needed to keep a secret.) I couldn’t “take it back” and that was so scary. I’ve always been the funny girl that everyone knows and is so fun and blah blah blah, but the second I posted this, I just knew I would see people look at me and say, “Oh… I’m so sorry.” And that’s not what I wanted. BUT… once I posted my blog, my friends did say “oh.” It wasn’t those “oh no’s..” that I had been worries about, they were “oh hell no’s.” They didn’t feel bad for me, they felt for me; they were angry WITH me. As time went on, I realized I surrounded by people that saw me as a victim, but they saw me as a survivor. The morale of this? Don’t be afraid to stand up and share your story (if that’s what you want to do.) Thanks to a lot of strong people and the #metoo movement, sexual assault isn’t such a taboo subject. I was sent (not exaggerating) hundreds of emails and messages from other women who felt that they could share their story (even if not publicly, just with me) after reading my own. They felt safe because someone else said #metoo first.

It’s crazy because it has been almost 5 years since my assault + one year since I became very public about it, but it feels all so new and real still. I still have trouble sleeping. I still have weird touch barriers with men that I don’t know well enough (I literally took a step back when a guy reached out his hand to shake mine a month ago.) I still can’t say the “R” word out loud when telling my own story. I still blame myself for a lot of things. I still ask a lot of “what if’s?” What if I had just walked home in the snow? What if I had told my parents instead of my Bishop? What if I had told the police? What if? I still cry every time I sing “Praying” by Kesha in my car. I still cry.

But…

I still wake up every morning and I still live my life. And if that’s all I can do, that’s enough for me.

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

xoxo

Kristen

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#DearKristen: Thots on Confidence

I AM VERY EXCITED TO START THIS NEW SERIES, #DearKristen. The concept: y’all ask questions + I’ll answer them. They can be literally about ~anything~ dating, fashion, politics, churchy stuff, favorite colors, favorite chicken, etc. I’ll try to answer a few every month + if I don’t cover the question this month in a #DearKristen post, it’s because I’m probably going to cover it in a future post.


Dear Kristen, You are so confident!!! How do you do it?!

and

Dear Kristen, What gives you confidence to make videos/posts and all that?

Dear Anonymous Friends with Questions,

WOW WOW WOW WOW. I am always taken back when people ask me about my “confidence.” If you were to ask my parents, they would tell you that the one thing I battled against the hardest through high school was confidence (and the one time I was accidentally put into ESL.) If you were to ask 11 year old chubby Kristen that wore wire framed oval glasses and overalls (WITH A BELT) everyday what her biggest trial was, it would have been 1) the fact that she wasn’t on the Disney Channel and then 2) not looking like all of her pretty friends. Even to this day, confidence is not my ~thing~. Well, at least I don’t feel like it is. BUT I am glad that I’m coming off as a confident woman!!

K, so I think a lot of “confidence” has to do with the power of choice. I’m a firm believer that you can choose whatever you want. If you want to be rich, you can choose to only eat ramen and save every penny and get 3 jobs and… the list goes on. If you want to lose or gain weight, you can choose to actually go to the gym and diet. If you want to be happy, you can choose to be happy despite your possibly unhappy circumstances. If you want to be confident, you can choose to love yourself.

It doesn’t matter how many times J.Biebs tells me to love myself, it’s still hard. Don’t worry, I get that. That’s why I think it’s also important to figure out ~why~ you aren’t confident, so that way you can resolve that and THEN choose to be confident.


I am going to be 1,000,000% honest with everyone. All of my confidence issues come from dating. Most def. I think a lot of my issues with dating (or the lack of dating) comes from the culture + environment that I currently live in.

For those of you who don’t know… I live in Provo, Utah aka the Mormon Young Adult Capital. Something that I LOVE about my religion is that everything centers around family. I love that. BUT, it’s hard when every Sunday you’re only learning about things you need to do ~when~ you have your own family, but then Monday-Saturday no one wants to date you or make a family with you. You know? It wears on your confidence. Like, I am supposed to have a family + have a companion + blah blah blah, but no one likes me??? So what’s wrong with me?? I mean my first thought is that I’m a chubby brown girl living in a city who’s population is over 80% white. I’m definitely different. But what IS it? Am I ugly? Am I too tall? Too short? Too chubby? NOT CHUBBY ENOUGH (lol I wish that was the answer)???

As you can see, I start to tear myself down because I assume there MUST be something wrong with me since I’m not married with 3 kids at the age of 24. Or there MUST be something wrong with me since I haven’t been on a single freaking date in months. There MUST be something wrong. Right?

TBH, maybe. I’d rather think that there must be something wrong with everyone else. Because I think I’m a freaking catch.

See? That’s how you fix the problem. You stop caring about what others may or may not be thinking + start caring about yourself and what YOU think.


HOW TO BE CONFIDENT BY KRISTEN WHO IS NOT CONFIDENT:

1) Figure out ~why~ you’re not confident. Is it boys? Mommy issues? Instagram? Feeling inadequate compared to the Fab 5 from Queer Eye?

2) Tell whatever that thing is that’s keep you from feeling like the boss queen you were born to be to GO TO HELL (unless it was the Fab 5 because they are actual perfection.) I think it might be a fake quote, but I have this quote on my wall from Brigham Young that says, “If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from.” Like I said, I don’t know if that’s a real quote, but I consider it doctrine. Tell the bad stuff to go to hell.

3) Now that you told the bad stuff to go to hell, CHOOSE TO LOVE YOURSELF. Love your imperfections and your blemishes and your weird stuff. You are the only you there is. That makes you pretty damn special.


As far as what makes me feel confident enough to post the dumb photos + videos that I post… I think it all comes back to remembering that MY Instagram is for ME. It’s a collection of photos + videos that I at one point said “hey I like this.” And remember, you love yourself now and that means you can be confident in what you love/share.

KRISTEN IS A WEENIE STORY TIME: The other week I posted a photo of my two friends and I at The Gem Studio in Provo and (please stay with me for this story, I promise I’m not as obsessed with “likes” as it’s about to sound…) it got less than 200 likes. I FREAKED OUT. Most of my photos get 300+ likes. I started looking up to see if IG got a new algorithim or to see if I maybe was “shadow blocked” (I didn’t realize that was a thing until I did and then I freaked) because I was sad that no one “liked” my photo. I started to look at the photo to see if maybe I was xtra ugly in the picture or to see if maybe it was offensive?? BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT THAT PHOTO WASN’T FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. I shouldn’t care if anyone “liked” it because I LOVED it. It was my memory that I wanted to share. So what if other people didn’t like it?

^^ That was a dumb story but it goes to prove that no matter how confident someone looks, they still get caught up in dumb stuff. Also, moral of the story? Take a step away from things that make you question yourself. I literally FREAKED OUT over not getting enough “likes.” Gross. I seriously can’t even with myself over that story, but I felt it was important to share because of how gross I was.


TO SUM IT ALL UP:

I believe that confidence is less about thinking that I have my whole life together and that I’m doing great and it’s more about acknowledging the weird stuff in my life and loving it. It’s about loving myself even though I hate my arms. It’s not dwelling on the fact that I think my arms are quite actually THE largest things in the world, but instead it’s loving that I have two strong arms that drive me to work + hug friends + arms that I can eat chicken with. I love chicken and I love my arms and I love myself.

So to my friends asking about confidence? Confidence is loving yourself. Look in the mirror and repeat after me, “I look good. I feel good. Baby, I AM good.” LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE A QUEEEEEEEEEN.

xoxo

Kristen

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24

Thursday is my birthday + that means that this girl is turning the big 2-4. It’s funny because I have a ton of friends who are older than me, so I still feel like a baby, but then I have a handful of friends who are younger than me, so I’m feelin’ OLD. Either way, I’m excited to be turning 24.

24. Twenty-four. 2. 4. I feel like 24 is a good round, even number. It screams adult. Like when I was 18/19, I was an “adult” but not really. Then when I was 20, I was just wishing I was 21 + then when I turned 21, I realized that I still couldn’t do anything. 22 was the year I listened to “22” by Taylor Swift 22 too many times, then I turned 23 + no one likes you when you’re 23.

BUT NOW, now I’m (turning) 24. There’s nothing to be said about 24 year olds, it’s a blank canvas. I can make 24 whatever I want it to be. I mean, I’ll probably just lay in my bed a lot this year, but still. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

I’ve decided to make a list of things that I have learned throughout the years. It’s almost like a testimony of my life. I think this list will be good for me. It’s helping me reflect on the lessons I’ve learned + help me prepare for this next year. Possibly.


24 Things I’ve Learned in the Last 24 Years

  1. I still don’t know what “fashion” means, BUT I do know that you can pull anything off that you ~tell yourself~ you can pull off. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR JUMPSUITS. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR WHITE. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR STUFF FROM WALMART.
  2. You have to pay for speeding/traffic tickets or else they will issue out a warrant + you CAN get arrested.
  3. It’s okay to have separate groups of friends, you don’t have to do everything in ONE big group all the time. Some friends might not vibe with other friends and that’s okay. Don’t force people to hang out with people they don’t want to hang out with.
  4. Self-deprecating humor IS funny, but it is also sad. You’ll get the laughs, but also get the, “aww’s….” You don’t want the “aww’s…”
  5. Horoscopes may or may not be real. But, if they aren’t real… whoever is writing them sure knows a lot about me and my future. SpoOkY.
  6. Sometimes you HAVE to cry it out. Be strong, but also be strong enough to cry. It’ll be okay + it’ll be a little better after you cry it out. Trusttttt.
  7. Dating/boys don’t get better the older you get, it/they just get older (which isn’t always a good thing but also not a bad thing??)
  8. You don’t “want” Netfix and Hulu, you “NEED” Netflix and Hulu.
  9. Planners are cool. They’re even cooler when you use them. (Also, splurge on a NICE planner + you’ll be more likely to use it, I get mine from Ban.do.)
  10. The Bachelor might not be “real” but it sure is entertaining. Don’t let anyone shame you from watching good quality trash TV. Live, laugh, love trash TV.
  11. If you want something that is stupid expensive for no good reason, don’t just buy the cheaper knock-off. Just save to get the boujee thing, because you’ll never be ~truly~ happy with the knock-off. (This is directed @ my Hydroflask and all the poor water bottles I’ve bought until I finally got the Hydroflask.) It’s okay to want nice/boujee things.
  12. Beanies don’t look good on everyone and that’s OKAY.
  13. It’s better to know that a love interest doesn’t love you back then to live out a hypothetical romance in your head because you don’t know if he likes you or not.
  14. Church sucks if you’re only going to meet a future boo thang. Apparently “going for the right reasons” is a real thing.
  15. There is nothing wrong for wanting to be liked by everyone.
  16. Life is crazy, but it’s 10X crazier when Mercury is in retrograde (refer back to #5, I don’t know if it’s real but it sure feels like it.)
  17. There is NOTHING wrong with eating Chik-Fil-A multiple times a week.
  18. Rihanna is better than Beyonce.
  19. Life is all about the choices we make + every choice we make will have a consequence.
  20. School is important but so is my sanity.
  21. Old Navy errythang. If you shop at Old Navy, you know what this means.
  22. It’s OKAY to be sad about not dating anyone. I think sometimes whenever a girl says she’s sad that she’s single we try to convince her that she’s a strong woman that don’t need no one but herself, but I think it’s also okay to long for a companion? Idk. I just think it’s okay to not want to be single.
  23. In reference to #22, you can’t let your dating life, or lack thereof, TAKE OVER your normal day-to-day life. It’s okay to be sad or angry for a minute, but don’t let it take away from all of the other amazing things that life has to offer.
  24. Know your worth. Once you start believing you’re worth more, you’ll start acting like you’re worth more, and others will treat you like you’re worth more.

Well, that’s it. That’s all I’ve learned. Let’s see what this next year brings.

xoxo

Kristen

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January 2018

January 2018 was… as to be expected. I had a lot of goals + I didn’t achieve a single one. Oops. BUT, I did keep one of my goals/resolutions. At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wanted to try and document every single day of my year. Not really in staged photos or selfies, but in little moments. I found this app called “1 Second Everyday” and it’s AMAZING.

Essentially you make 1 second clips everyday and then the app stores them and compiles them into movies. Anyway, you should download it. It’s seriously so cool. I was getting down in the dumps a few days ago about how I’ve already accomplished so little in 2018, but then I watched back the 25 or so days worth of videos I had and I remembered all of the things I have accomplished in 2018.


Accomplishments of 2018 (so far)

  1. I was able to see an old friend. (Hi Caitlin.)
  2. I went to the gym more in January 2018 than I did October-December of 2017. Like, not by a lot, but still.
  3. I’ve made seeing Jack (Cassy’s dog) multiple times a week  priority.
  4. I danced a lot.
  5. I went to the Sundance Film Festival AND I actually watched a movie/I didn’t just try to find celebrities on Main Street like I normally do.
  6. I laughed a lot.

Here’s my January 2018 a few seconds at a time:

Anyway, 2018 didn’t really start off with a bang but I have 11 more months to get my stuff together, right??

xoxo

Kristen

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2018: The Year Kristen Got Hot

Happy FREAKING New Year!!

This is always such an exciting time. I mean it is a 👏🏾 new 👏🏾 year. Brand new. We all have the chance to do everything over again. Didn’t like how Valentine’s Day went last year? You get another one. Wish you paid more attention to the news and current events? You can this year (don’t use Buzzfeed as your only news source. Trust me.) Didn’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Eve (sorry if this is still a fresh wound)?? WELL YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE. It’s a new year.

Not only is this a new year. This is MY year.

You see… I’m turning 24 this year + something that I’ve noticed about myself is that I complain all the time. ALL THE TIME. Life happens and it sucks sometimes. BUT, I’m done with that attitude. For the last 24 years I’ve let life happen to me, but this year I’m to make it happen. Make what happen you might ask? I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I’m making it happen. 👏🏾👏🏾

This year is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I want this to be the year people look back on + are like, “wow… that’s the year Kristen got hot (hot in a physically/emotionally/spiritually/mentally kind of way.)” I’m going to become the best version of myself. YAAAASSS.


One of my favorite books is, “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. She talks all about the subconscious + the conscious mind and their effects on our day-to-day lives. She talks about how we can have good goals (like losing weight) but we have a subconscious fear of someone hurting us, so we sabotage ourselves from actually losing weight. ANYWAY, she talks about acknowledging what is keeping you from achieving your goals and then tackling THOSE as your goals.

So, HOW am I going to become the best version of myself? Idk. But I’m going to make ACHIEVABLE goals that are linked to my bigger goals. Here they are:

1. Take myself seriously. I make fun of myself ALL THE TIME. Like, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop? SO, I want to stop making fun of myself. I especially love to make jokes about how single I am. But, my Stepmom once told me, dating Kristen Walker isn’t a joke. So… I’ll stop making that joke. Also, I really want to be serious about blogging this year. I’ve said it a million times, but I need to mean it. If I want you all to take me seriously, I have to take myself seriously.

2. Find 1 way to serve another everyday. This is pretty straight to the point. I just want to be a better person. So I guess I should start doing nice things for others?????

3. Experience more. I’m only going to be a single 24-year old for so long (most likely 365 days to be exact) and I just want to make the most of it! Last year I went to Hawaii with my best friend, concerts, and Disneyland with a few of my other best friends and it was amazing. I felt… alive. LOL THAT SOUNDS SO DUMB. But really, I made memories that I will have forever. I want more of that. I want to go out more, to go to concerts, to events, to Disneyland, and more. I want to experience everything 24 has to offer me!

4. Run/pass out during/participate in a half-marathon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know, I know. But here’s the deal: there are so many things that I tell myself I can’t do. I can’t die my hair purple, I can’t run for President, I can’t run a half-marathon… and so on. Well, I’m tired of saying “I can’t” do things. I want to do them. So, I’m choosing something that I can eventually do (after months and months of training lololol) and I’m going to do it (or die trying.)

5. Go back to school. Ugh, it’s been a long time coming. I just need to get back to school. Simple as that.


Well, those are my goals. I feel like they’re pretty decent. Not terrible. Possibly achievable. And now it’s on the internet + like my high school teacher used to say, “Once it’s on the internet, it’s real + it can haunt you for the rest of your life.” So. It’s real now. Please hold me accountable.

ALSOOOOO, lolololol this blog has been all about me. 2018 being a new year works for everyone. Surprising, I know. SO, make some goals! This is your chance to start over or make things better. YOU GOT THIS. What are some of your goals? What are some ways you work on achieving goals?

It’s 2018. It’s MY year. It’s YOUR year.

LET’S GET IT.

xoxo

Kristen

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