One Year Later

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

Hi. I’ve written/re-written this post like 10 times in the past week. I’ve had so much that I wanted to say… and I just didn’t know the best way to say it. It’s been one year since I posted Rape Isn’t Real. Honestly that might not seem ~that~ crazy to all of you, but for me it has felt like a huge milestone. It’s been one whole year.

It’s been one year since “the girl who was raped” was added to my bio.

It’s been one year since I can finally talk to my friends about everything.

It’s been one year since my friend had to forward my blog post to my best friend on her mission because I couldn’t do it myself.

It’s been one year since my parents realized why I’ve been so “different.”

It’s been one year since I could breathe.

Anyway, all the dramatics aside, it’s been one year and I felt the need to share some thoughts. Here are a few:


  1. Sexual Assault is NEVER the victims fault. After sharing my assault, I read through every single message, text, and comment. Most were loving and supportive, but there were a few wild ones. A few people said that if I had never put myself in that situation, then everything would’ve been fine. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing about a 19 year old girl sleeping over at a boy’s house because it was snowing ASKS for rape. And I can’t think of one thing on this Earth that would cause someone to deserve to be assaulted. Just saying. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, what position of power they have, how late it is, no means no. k?
  2. Our only job is to believe victims. I believe in God + I believe that there will be a judgement day. One day we will all need to step up and answer for what we have done. With that being said, I’m v happy to say, that I won’t be the one making judgements that day. It won’t be my job. Then + now, I only have one job: to love. And that’s what I plan on doing. It’s not my place to judge whether or not a survivor is telling the truth. That is between them, the assaulter, and (one day) God.  I will show my love and support for victims by showing up for them and believing them. I think that’s how it should be for everyone, just believe.
  3. As survivors, we are not alone. One of the most overwhelming things to happen on the last year was the amount of women that reached out to me with similar stories to mine. It broke my heart. It was horrific to know that others have suffered through the same thing that I was still trying to suffer through. While it was horrific, it was also calming. I realized I was not alone. I have found help from many different resources, my favorite being Honey Organization. I’ve attended both a Survivor’s Dinner + a Gather even from them and I never felt safer than I did that night. I was surrounded by people who understood what I had gone through, because they too had gone through it. There is peace to be found, you just have to find it.
  4. Speak your truth. Last year I felt like I couldn’t breathe once my post went live. A secret I had held for so long was no longer a secret (in reality it was never something I needed to keep a secret.) I couldn’t “take it back” and that was so scary. I’ve always been the funny girl that everyone knows and is so fun and blah blah blah, but the second I posted this, I just knew I would see people look at me and say, “Oh… I’m so sorry.” And that’s not what I wanted. BUT… once I posted my blog, my friends did say “oh.” It wasn’t those “oh no’s..” that I had been worries about, they were “oh hell no’s.” They didn’t feel bad for me, they felt for me; they were angry WITH me. As time went on, I realized I surrounded by people that saw me as a victim, but they saw me as a survivor. The morale of this? Don’t be afraid to stand up and share your story (if that’s what you want to do.) Thanks to a lot of strong people and the #metoo movement, sexual assault isn’t such a taboo subject. I was sent (not exaggerating) hundreds of emails and messages from other women who felt that they could share their story (even if not publicly, just with me) after reading my own. They felt safe because someone else said #metoo first.

It’s crazy because it has been almost 5 years since my assault + one year since I became very public about it, but it feels all so new and real still. I still have trouble sleeping. I still have weird touch barriers with men that I don’t know well enough (I literally took a step back when a guy reached out his hand to shake mine a month ago.) I still can’t say the “R” word out loud when telling my own story. I still blame myself for a lot of things. I still ask a lot of “what if’s?” What if I had just walked home in the snow? What if I had told my parents instead of my Bishop? What if I had told the police? What if? I still cry every time I sing “Praying” by Kesha in my car. I still cry.

But…

I still wake up every morning and I still live my life. And if that’s all I can do, that’s enough for me.

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

xoxo

Kristen

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January 2018

January 2018 was… as to be expected. I had a lot of goals + I didn’t achieve a single one. Oops. BUT, I did keep one of my goals/resolutions. At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wanted to try and document every single day of my year. Not really in staged photos or selfies, but in little moments. I found this app called “1 Second Everyday” and it’s AMAZING.

Essentially you make 1 second clips everyday and then the app stores them and compiles them into movies. Anyway, you should download it. It’s seriously so cool. I was getting down in the dumps a few days ago about how I’ve already accomplished so little in 2018, but then I watched back the 25 or so days worth of videos I had and I remembered all of the things I have accomplished in 2018.


Accomplishments of 2018 (so far)

  1. I was able to see an old friend. (Hi Caitlin.)
  2. I went to the gym more in January 2018 than I did October-December of 2017. Like, not by a lot, but still.
  3. I’ve made seeing Jack (Cassy’s dog) multiple times a week  priority.
  4. I danced a lot.
  5. I went to the Sundance Film Festival AND I actually watched a movie/I didn’t just try to find celebrities on Main Street like I normally do.
  6. I laughed a lot.

Here’s my January 2018 a few seconds at a time:

Anyway, 2018 didn’t really start off with a bang but I have 11 more months to get my stuff together, right??

xoxo

Kristen

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2018: The Year Kristen Got Hot

Happy FREAKING New Year!!

This is always such an exciting time. I mean it is a 👏🏾 new 👏🏾 year. Brand new. We all have the chance to do everything over again. Didn’t like how Valentine’s Day went last year? You get another one. Wish you paid more attention to the news and current events? You can this year (don’t use Buzzfeed as your only news source. Trust me.) Didn’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Eve (sorry if this is still a fresh wound)?? WELL YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE. It’s a new year.

Not only is this a new year. This is MY year.

You see… I’m turning 24 this year + something that I’ve noticed about myself is that I complain all the time. ALL THE TIME. Life happens and it sucks sometimes. BUT, I’m done with that attitude. For the last 24 years I’ve let life happen to me, but this year I’m to make it happen. Make what happen you might ask? I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I’m making it happen. 👏🏾👏🏾

This year is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I want this to be the year people look back on + are like, “wow… that’s the year Kristen got hot (hot in a physically/emotionally/spiritually/mentally kind of way.)” I’m going to become the best version of myself. YAAAASSS.


One of my favorite books is, “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. She talks all about the subconscious + the conscious mind and their effects on our day-to-day lives. She talks about how we can have good goals (like losing weight) but we have a subconscious fear of someone hurting us, so we sabotage ourselves from actually losing weight. ANYWAY, she talks about acknowledging what is keeping you from achieving your goals and then tackling THOSE as your goals.

So, HOW am I going to become the best version of myself? Idk. But I’m going to make ACHIEVABLE goals that are linked to my bigger goals. Here they are:

1. Take myself seriously. I make fun of myself ALL THE TIME. Like, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop? SO, I want to stop making fun of myself. I especially love to make jokes about how single I am. But, my Stepmom once told me, dating Kristen Walker isn’t a joke. So… I’ll stop making that joke. Also, I really want to be serious about blogging this year. I’ve said it a million times, but I need to mean it. If I want you all to take me seriously, I have to take myself seriously.

2. Find 1 way to serve another everyday. This is pretty straight to the point. I just want to be a better person. So I guess I should start doing nice things for others?????

3. Experience more. I’m only going to be a single 24-year old for so long (most likely 365 days to be exact) and I just want to make the most of it! Last year I went to Hawaii with my best friend, concerts, and Disneyland with a few of my other best friends and it was amazing. I felt… alive. LOL THAT SOUNDS SO DUMB. But really, I made memories that I will have forever. I want more of that. I want to go out more, to go to concerts, to events, to Disneyland, and more. I want to experience everything 24 has to offer me!

4. Run/pass out during/participate in a half-marathon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know, I know. But here’s the deal: there are so many things that I tell myself I can’t do. I can’t die my hair purple, I can’t run for President, I can’t run a half-marathon… and so on. Well, I’m tired of saying “I can’t” do things. I want to do them. So, I’m choosing something that I can eventually do (after months and months of training lololol) and I’m going to do it (or die trying.)

5. Go back to school. Ugh, it’s been a long time coming. I just need to get back to school. Simple as that.


Well, those are my goals. I feel like they’re pretty decent. Not terrible. Possibly achievable. And now it’s on the internet + like my high school teacher used to say, “Once it’s on the internet, it’s real + it can haunt you for the rest of your life.” So. It’s real now. Please hold me accountable.

ALSOOOOO, lolololol this blog has been all about me. 2018 being a new year works for everyone. Surprising, I know. SO, make some goals! This is your chance to start over or make things better. YOU GOT THIS. What are some of your goals? What are some ways you work on achieving goals?

It’s 2018. It’s MY year. It’s YOUR year.

LET’S GET IT.

xoxo

Kristen

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What Do You Mean You Don’t Like JBiebs?

DISCLAIMER: I have been a Belieber since Day 1. Please don’t let anything that you’re about to read make you think otherwise. Picture
On April 2, 2016, (last night) I had a moment. It was one of those moments in life where you think to yourself, “everything has changed; life will never be the same after this.”

​What was this moment you might be wondering? It was the very moment in which I watched Justin Drew Bieber sing “Sorry” shirtless, under a waterfall, in the Vivint Smart Home Arena as part of his Purpose World Tour.


Trust me.
​Everything. DID. Change.
Up until this moment, he had always been just a boy who sang catchy songs. I used to listen to him in the car by myself or when I was with just my girlfriends.

Now? I will listen to him loud and proud wherever I am. He is a lyrical genius and he’s adorable and he’s deep and he’s… this is already a run-on, so I’ll just stop there.

PictureAfter this epiphany, it has come to my attention that not everyone respects, studies, and stands by the Biebs beautiful melodies as much as I do. So, I’m taking it upon myself to list the Top 10 deep/thoughtful/poetic lyrics from Justin Bieber’s music for you all.

​Hopefully, this will bring some conversions.



TOP 10 CRY YOURSELF TO SLEEP BEAUTIFUL LYRICS

1. “What’s a king bed without a queen?” Like, it’s still a king bed… but what IS it?
2. “Chillin’ by the fire while we eatin’ fondue.” If you were to ask me what my dream date is, please understand that my answer involves fondue (cheese obvi) and chilling by fires. Of course the perfect man thought up the perfect date.
3. “Many have called, but the chosen is you. Whatever you want shawty I’ll give it to you.” You. You You. I choose you.
4. “I never thought that I could walk through fire; I never thought that I could take the burn.” He is humble, and he knows his limits. (Spoiler: later on in the song he realizes that he should never say “never.”)
5. “Smile on your face even though your heart is frowning.” This is such a beautiful and touching lyric. I could be smiling but frowning on the inside. How does he know so much about me?
6. “Never say Never.” Never. Refer back to #4.
7. “Spend a week with your boy, I’ll be calling you my girlfriend.” And THIS is why JBiebs is the perfect man. I’m out here bending backwards to get a guy to love me, and I get a hard pass and get called a “friend.” After one week, ONE WEEK, he’ll be calling me his girlfriend? I’m. So. Down. Every DTR lovers’ dream.
8. “Can’t make up your mind, mind, mind, mind, mind; please don’t waste my time, time, time, time, time.” @ every guy I’m in like w/ RN.
9. What you got, a billion could’ve never bought.” He thinks, no… He believes, no… He knows that I’m worth more than a billion (I’m assuming that’s in US currency.) Thanks boo.
10. “Baby, baby, baby oooh. Like baby, baby, baby nooo. Like baby, baby, baby oooh.” I saved the best for last, obvi. He’s saying so little but so much at the same time. Ya know?

Okay, okay. I know that those are most likely the 10 worst lyrics from him; they aren’t deep or thoughtful at all. It’s just really hard for me to not be a little sarcastic. I’m working on being less sassy… The point is that I know that his lyrics are silly, that he wears too much plaid/long t’s, and that all of his model shoots are photo shopped (they have to be, have you seen how adorably scrawny he is?)

BUT, that is why I am a true Belieber. I know all of these things and yet I still love him. That is true love.

Thanks for reading y’all. Now go listen to some Justin.

Keep it sassy ladies and gents.

xoxo Kristen

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