January 2018

January 2018 was… as to be expected. I had a lot of goals + I didn’t achieve a single one. Oops. BUT, I did keep one of my goals/resolutions. At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wanted to try and document every single day of my year. Not really in staged photos or selfies, but in little moments. I found this app called “1 Second Everyday” and it’s AMAZING.

Essentially you make 1 second clips everyday and then the app stores them and compiles them into movies. Anyway, you should download it. It’s seriously so cool. I was getting down in the dumps a few days ago about how I’ve already accomplished so little in 2018, but then I watched back the 25 or so days worth of videos I had and I remembered all of the things I have accomplished in 2018.

Accomplishments of 2018 (so far)

  1. I was able to see an old friend. (Hi Caitlin.)
  2. I went to the gym more in January 2018 than I did October-December of 2017. Like, not by a lot, but still.
  3. I’ve made seeing Jack (Cassy’s dog) multiple times a week  priority.
  4. I danced a lot.
  5. I went to the Sundance Film Festival AND I actually watched a movie/I didn’t just try to find celebrities on Main Street like I normally do.
  6. I laughed a lot.

Here’s my January 2018 a few seconds at a time:

Anyway, 2018 didn’t really start off with a bang but I have 11 more months to get my stuff together, right??



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2018: The Year Kristen Got Hot

Happy FREAKING New Year!!

This is always such an exciting time. I mean it is a 👏🏾 new 👏🏾 year. Brand new. We all have the chance to do everything over again. Didn’t like how Valentine’s Day went last year? You get another one. Wish you paid more attention to the news and current events? You can this year (don’t use Buzzfeed as your only news source. Trust me.) Didn’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Eve (sorry if this is still a fresh wound)?? WELL YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE. It’s a new year.

Not only is this a new year. This is MY year.

You see… I’m turning 24 this year + something that I’ve noticed about myself is that I complain all the time. ALL THE TIME. Life happens and it sucks sometimes. BUT, I’m done with that attitude. For the last 24 years I’ve let life happen to me, but this year I’m to make it happen. Make what happen you might ask? I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I’m making it happen. 👏🏾👏🏾

This year is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I want this to be the year people look back on + are like, “wow… that’s the year Kristen got hot (hot in a physically/emotionally/spiritually/mentally kind of way.)” I’m going to become the best version of myself. YAAAASSS.

One of my favorite books is, “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. She talks all about the subconscious + the conscious mind and their effects on our day-to-day lives. She talks about how we can have good goals (like losing weight) but we have a subconscious fear of someone hurting us, so we sabotage ourselves from actually losing weight. ANYWAY, she talks about acknowledging what is keeping you from achieving your goals and then tackling THOSE as your goals.

So, HOW am I going to become the best version of myself? Idk. But I’m going to make ACHIEVABLE goals that are linked to my bigger goals. Here they are:

1. Take myself seriously. I make fun of myself ALL THE TIME. Like, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop? SO, I want to stop making fun of myself. I especially love to make jokes about how single I am. But, my Stepmom once told me, dating Kristen Walker isn’t a joke. So… I’ll stop making that joke. Also, I really want to be serious about blogging this year. I’ve said it a million times, but I need to mean it. If I want you all to take me seriously, I have to take myself seriously.

2. Find 1 way to serve another everyday. This is pretty straight to the point. I just want to be a better person. So I guess I should start doing nice things for others?????

3. Experience more. I’m only going to be a single 24-year old for so long (most likely 365 days to be exact) and I just want to make the most of it! Last year I went to Hawaii with my best friend, concerts, and Disneyland with a few of my other best friends and it was amazing. I felt… alive. LOL THAT SOUNDS SO DUMB. But really, I made memories that I will have forever. I want more of that. I want to go out more, to go to concerts, to events, to Disneyland, and more. I want to experience everything 24 has to offer me!

4. Run/pass out during/participate in a half-marathon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know, I know. But here’s the deal: there are so many things that I tell myself I can’t do. I can’t die my hair purple, I can’t run for President, I can’t run a half-marathon… and so on. Well, I’m tired of saying “I can’t” do things. I want to do them. So, I’m choosing something that I can eventually do (after months and months of training lololol) and I’m going to do it (or die trying.)

5. Go back to school. Ugh, it’s been a long time coming. I just need to get back to school. Simple as that.

Well, those are my goals. I feel like they’re pretty decent. Not terrible. Possibly achievable. And now it’s on the internet + like my high school teacher used to say, “Once it’s on the internet, it’s real + it can haunt you for the rest of your life.” So. It’s real now. Please hold me accountable.

ALSOOOOO, lolololol this blog has been all about me. 2018 being a new year works for everyone. Surprising, I know. SO, make some goals! This is your chance to start over or make things better. YOU GOT THIS. What are some of your goals? What are some ways you work on achieving goals?

It’s 2018. It’s MY year. It’s YOUR year.




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Every Thought I’ve Had On A First Date

If you’re reading this, we probably haven’t gone on a date. I’m sorry. You’re seriously missing out. (lol not really.)

BUT, I’m sure you’re now thinking… “Hmm. Kristen. I’ve never gone on a date with her. I wonder what it would be like.” Well, let me tell you, there’s only one way to find out. Okay, now it seems like I’m begging for a date. I’m not (I am.) Honestly… I don’t know where I’m going with this. This was just supposed to be a funny introduction to my blog post.

Here you go, here is every thought I have while on a date:

*boy calls/texts to ask me out on date*

I’m confused.

Did he mean to ask me?

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe he meant to call a different “Kristen.”

I feel like he was very vague about what we were doing…

What type of shoes am I supposed to wear to this?

Is this something where I should I eat before hand? Light snack or full meal?

*15 minutes before he comes to pick me up*

LOL what if he doesn’t come + stands me up………….


*doorbell rings*

Good. He showed up. This is a good start.

Open the door and be cool.

Um, are we supposed to hug?

Am I supposed to introduce him to my roommates?

Okay. This is weird now.

*walking to the car*

Is he walking towards my door to open it?

What do I do with my hands?

*he opens my door + I’m just sitting in the car looking at him as he is closing my door*

Do I say thank you?? Nope. The door is closed.

*ordering at Zupas*

Soup and sandwich? Sandwich and salad? Soup and salad?

No soup and salad. Who would do that when sandwhich is an option??

*I get to the cash register while he’s still ordering, cashier asks if this is by itself or if I’m with someone*

I shouldn’t ASSUME he’s paying but also if he doesn’t…..

I mean if I’m paying for my own food I wouldn’t have chosen Zupas…

Oh good. He’s here + saying that we’re together.

*starts frantically looking for an open booth because tables suck*

I hope he’s not a same side of the booth type guy.

Wow. Very quick to sit on the other side……. Interesting.

I wonder if I’m going to see anyone I know here.

Oh crap, there’s that one girl I hate from my old job.

Okay. I’m waving to her now.

Perfect now she’s coming to say hi.

How do I introduce him?

Yep, I said, “this is my friend *insert his name here* oops.

I wonder who he voted for…

Am I eating too fast?

Eat slower.

Crap now he’s done eating and I still have half of my food left.

Wait, maybe I shouldn’t finish my food?

Will not finishing my food make me look dainty or wasteful?

LOL K I’ll ask him a big question + then finish this in 3 bites while he’s talking.

*walking back to his car*

Wait is he walking towards my door again?


Do I make eye contact with him while he closes my door?

Bad idea. Eye contact was weird. Now he thinks I’m a serial killer. Perfect.

*driving home*

Wait. He likes Usher? I also like Usher…

Perfect. He watched the Carpool Karaoke.


I need to calm down…


*walking me to my door*

Am I supposed to hug him now?


Wait, that was a good hug. I’m glad I didn’t try and shake his hand.


*date is over*

I’m still hungry.

I hope you enjoyed your ~~free~~ date with me. It’s way more exciting in person. I promise. I don’t want to be that guy… but might I point out that I didn’t once think:

He asked me out. He’s in love with me.

Ugh, he probably wants to marry me.

What are we going to name our first 2 kids?

I wonder if he has plans for Thanksgiving?

I wonder how he feels about a spring wedding… Honestly I would do a summer or winter or fall wedding too.

WOW. I think he’s obsessed with me…

You see, first dates are the worst. There are so many other things I’m thinking about, I have very little time or ability to be thinking about our future wedding.

I think we all get a little spooked out about asking people on first dates because we don’t want them to think that we’re in love with them. Well, let this be a reminder… there are so many things to be thinking about on a first date, that ain’t nobody got time to worry about all the other stuff. Take a leap. Ask someone on a date. It’ll be worth it.



p.s. feel free to ask me on a date via DM or email or call or text or a hand-delivered letter

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November Faves

Hi. I know what you’re thinking… Kristen is selling out/trying to become a big blogger and is doing sponsored posts of her favorite things.


I am nowhere NEAR popular enough to do sponsored posts. The closest I’ve ever gotten to a sponsored post was last summer when The Classic Skate Center in Orem gave me a free skating pass for posting on IG about skating. #ad

Anyway, I’ve recently went back + read all of my old posts, including posts on my old “Provo Diaries” blog. I actually laughed out loud at most of them. It was so fun reading them because I remembered what I was feeling at that exact moment when I wrote it. So… I’ve decided to post once a week things about my life: dating (or the lack therof,) my favorite things at the time, churchy stuff, etc. Why? Because I feel like it will be HILARIOUS for me in a few years or in a few months. Hopefully everything is still relatable to y’all. But also if it’s not… oops.

OK. So here are my favorite things RIGHT NOW:

1. Chik-Fil-A Chik-n-Minis. That’s my number one. HAHAHA I’m honestly a joke. If you haven’t tried them, TRY THEM. They are just the regular chicken nuggets in a little dough-y roll covered in some sort of buttery honey glaze sent from Heaven (seriously though I know without a doubt that Chik-Fil-A is the Lord’s food.) They stop serving breakfast at exactly 10:30 on the freaking dot… trust me, they won’t serve you breakfast after 10:30. Make sure you’re prompt, it will be worth it I promise.

2. My job. I work for Kortni Jeane Swimmers and it’s amazing. The swimsuits are the only swimmers I ever wear + I’ve met so many amazing people while working here. Here’s a few photos of me on the job:

3. RESTAURANT APPS. I am a firm believer in the power + blessings that come from downloading all of the restaurants’ apps. I have an entire folder of them on my phone. Noodles & Company, McDonald’s, Chik-Fil-A… the list goes on and on. Seriously, you get either FREE food or discounted things. And I’m 23 so most of my food comes from a place with an app, so might as well use it right?

4. This is my one boujee thing… I accidentally completely destroyed my old phone, so I got the iPhone 8+ and I am obsesssssed. First things first, my old phone was 16GB. It was basically just a fancy calculator. My new phone is 64GB, it’s HUGE, and I can do literally anything from it. Like, I’m writing this entire blog from my phone. ALSO, I can take fancy pictures and by that I mean mainly just taking selfies in a mirror. Here’s 3 from the last week: 5. The song, “Good As Hell” by Lizzo. Here’s the first verse for all my laaaadies:

“Come now, come dry your eyes

You know you a star, you can touch the sky

I know that it’s hard but you have to try

If you need advice, let me simplify

If he don’t love you anymore

Just walk your fine a** out the door

I do my hair toss

Check my nails

Baby how you feelin’?

Feeling good as hell”

My friend showed this song to me + it was EXACTLY what I needed. I HAVEN’T GONE A DAY WITHOUT PLAYING IT AT LEAST 3 TIMES. It is so catchy. And she’s a QUEEN. It’s my new anthem. It should be yours too. Listen to it. Promise? K. Thanks. Also, sorry mom + dad if you’re reading this/listening to the song because it says the “A” word. 

Okay. There’s all of my favorite things right now. Chances are they will be the same next month, but who knows. YOLO.

***Also, Chik-Fil-A if you’re reading this, I’m willing to sell out and be sponsored by you. DM or email me or contact me through your app.



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Why I Feel Personally Attacked by Dean From BIP

Disclaimer: This is a post specifically about people from Bachelor in Paradise, BUT I feel like everyone should read it. LOLOLOL I mean I feel like everyone should read everything I write… but anyway I feel like this is still relatable content for all. Please enjoy.

Hello. My name is Kristen. You might’ve forgotten who I was because I haven’t posted in a while. I’m so sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on… and by that I mean I was outside enjoying summer, I started a new/amazing job, and… The Bachelorette + Bachelor in Paradise were in full force these last few months. I’ve clearly had zero time to blog. Priorities people.

Now that Fall is here and Chris Harrison is giving me a breather, I finally have time to start blogging again. Hallelujah.

Like I said, my life has been a little consumed by the Bachelor franchise recently. Between Rachel not choosing Peter, Demario + Corrine, and The Dean Issue, I’ve been a hot mess. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about when I say, “The Dean Issue,” consider yourself lucky. But also, consider yourself a little unlucky because that’s all I’m talking about today????

SO, here is the Kristen’s Reader’s Digest version of who Dean Unglert is and why I’m talking about him:

  • Dean is the adorable boy-child from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He was the youngest guy this season and looked like he walked right out of an Old Navy commercial. SERIOUSLY SO PRECIOUS.
  • Dean made it to the Hometowns where he revealed some serious daddy issues. Every woman in America fell in love with him while he cried on the floor. He was just so vulnerable + so beautiful. AGH.
  • Rachel sent him home RIGHT after he told her he loved her… and that’s when my hate for Rachel began….
  • Fast forward a few months and homeboy arrives in (Bachelor In) Paradise. You already KNOW every girl was ready to swoop in. The lucky girl that got to take Dean on a date was America/Russia’s very own sweetheart, Kristina. She has her own story that is worth telling (but tbh I don’t have the energy) but basically she had an evil mother in Russia + then was adopted and brought to America. Her teacher once told her, “If you stay in Russia, your life will be in black and white … and if you go to the U.S., it will be in color.” So she’s out here, living in color, in Paradise taking Hottie McHottie Dean on date. What could go wrong?
  • K. So production is shut down because of the scandal, and everyone is sent home. While home, Dean + Kristina continue to talk/see each other, and they even go on a road trip together.
  • Production for Bachelor in Paradise ends up resuming, everyone heads back to Paradise, and things are going just swell for Dean and Kristina. BUT THEN, Danielle L (D.Lo) walks into Paradise in a dress showing all the goodies, and swoops Dean up. They make out on the beach and Kristina cries.
  • The rest of the show continues in a weird back and forth where Dean is cuddling/making out/having DTR converstaions with both girls on the same beach 10 feet apart until Kristina finally decides that she’s had enough + decides to send herself home.
  • THEN, Dean cries the next morning and tells D.Lo that he actually loved Kristina and now he’s sad… so he goes home too.

OK, now here are some of my favorite quotes from Dean from this season:

“I’m just like… figuring it all out.” – Dean’s motto for the season

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap: A GIF by GIF Guide!

“I’m in a very interesting situation right now… You know Kristina is very, very interested in our relationship, but I’m very interested and attracted to Danielle L.” – Dean explaining his “situation”



“Kristina is just so much more like, perceptive and smart, and like, is an  interesting person altogether. Uh, but D-Lo is just so f***ing hot.” (Btw I definitely screamed a very bad word when I first heard him say this.)




Okay last but not least, here is one of my fave conversations between Dean + Kristina:

“I care so much more about the way that you feel than Danielle.” -Dean

“Really?” -Kristina

*Dean shakes his head and smiles* He then tells her how smart + attractive she is and how he is infatuated by her. Then they kiss.


Okay. Hopefully you’re all caught up now.

For those of you who watched Bachelor in Paradise/or read my wonderful Reader’s Digest version of the events, you KNOW how mad you were/are at Dean. But why? Every season has a terrible playboy that hurts everyone’s favorite girl. That’s literally what the show is about, “love” and drama. They wouldn’t have lasted one season if the show was about respectful dating and mature decisions. BUT WHY DOES THE DEAN VS. KRISTINA VS. D.LO SITUATION STING SO MUCH??

Because it is so real.

In the words of Taylor Swift, “ARE YOU READY FOR IT?” Let’s try to put this into some real life perspective.

Dean is the average cute-borderline-hot guy we all know. He’s got some family problems that makes any girl fantasize about hugging him while he cries and you both kiss in between drinking hot chocolate on a snowy night. He’s got the cutest smile + laugh, and everyone loves him. Seriously. Girls think he’s literally perfection and all of the guys think he’s “the man.”

Kristina is every single one of us (unless you’re a D-Lo… if so, you go girl.) She is the girl just trying to find love. She’s playing “the game” but only because she sees it as a means to find a happily ever after, not because she actually enjoys it. LITERALLY EVERYONE loves her + wants her to find love + but also none of us understand how she’s ending up in such a crappy situation??????? She deserves so much more than what she’s getting, but the smooth talking hottie Dean knows exactly what to say to keep her coming back for more.

D-Lo is the classic hot girl that ruins everything. She’s not actually a terrible person, but she’s hot and that makes us hate her. None of us are too sure if she has a personality #1 because we’ve never heard her say anything noteworthy and #2 because the only things people say about her are “she’s so hot” and… “she’s so hot.” Dean (the hot guy) took a liking to her which isn’t necessarily her fault… After watching a lot of the interviews, it seems like she didn’t really understand the whole situation when getting involved, and that Dean worded thing to make it seem like he wasn’t involved exclusively with Kristina. Dean is the real enemy here, but we still hate D.Lo. And you know what? That’s not okay… but that’s just the way that it is. Sorry D-Lo (and you if you find yourself being the D.Lo in a situation.)

You see where I’m going with this? The reason we all felt personally victimized by Dean Unglert is because we’ve all been there.

We’ve all been the girl just trying to find love with the wrong guy. If you’re in a college town (like, I don’t know… Provo for instance….) it’s a thousand times worse. There’s always going to be a D.Lo to your Dean. There will always be someone who is hotter than you or more exotic + exciting. Guess what? That freaking sucks. But that’s also life and we just gotta learn to deal.

For a long time I’ve thought to myself, “I wish I could be hotter, and then I could be the hot girl that these guys want.” But… watching this season I realized that that wasn’t the answer. No matter how amazing Kristina was… Dean wasn’t looking for love, he was looking for a hot hookup. There was nothing that Kristina could have done that would have changed that.

I can’t even begin to count the times a guy has gone with another girl over me and my first thoughts are, “maybe I’m not pretty enough/funny enough/cool enough/etc.” The fact of the matter is that not everyone is looking for the exact same things at the same time. If Kristina would’ve realized during the 3rd week that Dean was just trying to get jiggy with it + not get tied down, she would’ve saved so much heartache and time.

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SO IF YOU’RE FINDING YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE BEING STRUNG ALONG, take a step back. Do you both want different things? If so, bounce. Honey, you will not change his mind. Trust me. Also, you don’t need to beg ANYONE to care about you. If he ain’t willing to care, then don’t give him the time of day.

When Kristina left the show, she said, “‘In my next relationship I want to be valued, I want to be respected, and I want to be put first by someone who admires me for who I am and sees the value in me.”

All I have to say is YAAAAAAAS QUEEN.

Here are my final words on the subject:

MEN: If you’re reading this… hello. I’m so glad you made it to the end of this post. Here’s the deal, if you’re #1 dating multiple girls or #2 dating a girl but not too sure if you actually care about her enough to continue to date her: make a decision. Dating has become such a “why date this girl when there’s maybe something better out there” game. That’s fine, but remember, the grass is hardly greener on the other side. You can trust that. You aren’t trying to decide which kind of pre-workout to use, you’re dealing with real people with real emotions. Alternatively, please remember that women are strong as hell. Don’t try to “save” our feelings. If you know at one point that you’re not interested in progressing in a relationship, please speak up so that way we can move on. No girl has ever said, “Ugh, he’s such a jerk. He told me exactly what he was feeling and respected my emotions.” Last but not least, if you would rather have the hot girl then the smart + interesting girl, than let the smart + interesting girl know so that way she can stop wasting her time on you.

WOMEN: You are strong as hell. You don’t NEED a man to feel complete. If you feel like you’re making a guy your #1 priority + he’s not returning the favor, move on. It’s better to be alone and strong than to be the girl that EVERYONE knows is being played. Because *clap* we *clap* all *clap* know. I know that Bachelor in Paradise is severely dramatized, BUT please remember this: Dean kept telling Kristina “just be patient” and guess what… baby girl Kristina was patient… and while she was being patient, he was making out with D.Lo in the pool in front of cameras AND all of Kristina’s friends. IF HE AIN’T TRYING TO DATE/WIFE YOU, (and that’s what you want) THEN DON’T GIVE HIM YOUR 100%. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less. There are seriously so many fish in the sea, don’t waste your time on a snake.

And finally, genders/roles for everything I’ve just said can be totally reversed. Maybe you’re the best guy going after a girl that’s only trying to hook up. The same rules apply. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less.

I love you all + I’m very excited to start blogging more. I hope you are too.

Keep it sassy.

xoxo Kristen

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Rape isn’t real.

Growing up, my mom and I would watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit every night. No joke. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that I was basically an expert on crime and detective work. If you had asked me then, I would’ve told you exactly what rape was. Rape was walking down an alley and being attacked by a man that was hiding in the shadows. Rape was getting drunk in a sorority and being attacked by a frat boy. Rape was just another episode of a TV show I watched every night before bedtime.

To me? Rape wasn’t real.

It was something horrific that happened in movies and TV. It was something that friends of friends have heard of, but it was never real and present in my own life. Until it was.

October 2013, I (like every other college-aged girl) had downloaded Tinder and met a boy. We had gone on one date and he seemed very nice. He was a returned missionary, he went to BYU, we had tons of mutual friends, etc. I mean, it seemed totally fine.
Thanksgiving 2013 was the first year that I didn’t spend a holiday at home with my family.  Everyone was out of town and I was in my off-campus apartment all by myself for the whole break. He called me and asked if I wanted to go get pizza and watch a movie with him since his roommates were also all out of town. Seemed alright… right? I went, and it was fine. His TV was in his room, so that’s where we went to watch the movie.
We made out and then he told me that he didn’t want to drive me home because of all of the snow. So I said, “ok.” I mean snow sucks, right? So, I fell asleep in his bed.
I don’t really want to go into the graphic details and I hope you can understand why, but I woke up around 2 AM to him on top of me. He had pulled my pants down while I was asleep and I woke up screaming. Obviously, it was all really scary, but it was also really hazy at the same time. It’s kind of hard to explain; it felt like an out of body experience. It went on for a few minutes minutes until I was able to punch him and kick him off. I demanded that he drove me home ASAP. And he did.
I got home, sat in the shower on the floor and cried. I went to church that morning and went straight to my Bishop. I didn’t know what else to do. He seemed like the only adult that I could turn to. We talked, I told him everything and he just kind of sat there. He finally asked if I was planning on going back to BYU (I wasn’t taking classes that semester) I said yes. He said that this kind of behavior wasn’t appropriate if I  wanted to return to BYU. He said that I didn’t deserve what happened, but that there were  things that I could’ve done to prevent it from happening. For example: I shouldn’t have been there by myself, I should have walked home when he told me he couldn’t drive home, I shouldn’t have been there past curfew, etc. He then asked if the guy was temple endowed. I said yes, because I knew he had served a mission. He said that he was more concerned for the guy because he had already made temple covenants. He said that it didn’t really sound like the kind of thing to report since I went there and broke honor code willingly and what not.
My bishop gave me the Miracle of Forgiveness and told me to meet with him again in a month. I did and well… that was that.

I’ve struggled with the idea of sharing this part of my life with the internet world for a very long time. It’s for sure not my “brand.” But, a very special dinner made me realize how important it is to share my story and to heal.
I was able to attend a Honey Organization Survivors’ Dinner a year and a half ago. I sat at a table of women that had been through the most terrible things. It was a safe place to talk, but when I was given the floor to talk, I told them that I was just there in support and that I didn’t have a story of any sort of sexual assault. At that given moment I had told 5 people what happened to me. At that dinner I saw the strength and power all the other women had after confronting their battles head on. I wanted to feel that– I wanted to feel powerful. I hadn’t felt power or control over myself since he took that away from me. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I confided in one of my best friends that night about what happened to me and about what I was going to do to take back control.

It wasn’t until two months ago that I decided to tell my parents. After speaking with several people and a new LDS Bishop, I knew that this was the next step. I sent them an email because I couldn’t bear to say any of it over the phone. To this day, I can’t tell this story and use the R-word out loud. I can type it, I can text it, but I just can’t say it. It just still feels so unreal. Telling my family was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. My parents knew that something had changed in the past few years and I think reading everything answered a lot of their own questions. It felt like I could finally breathe a little easier.
A month or two ago, I was speaking with a friend (who most definitely did not know my story) and he said, “You know… I’m surprised at how many girls are actually sexually assaulted. I met the cutest, sweetest girl and she later told me that she has been assaulted. I couldn’t believe it.” The surprise in his voice was so unreal to me. But, I understood it. I understood the thought that rape couldn’t be real. There is no way one human being could do that to another human being. It doesn’t happen in my cute Mormon community and it surely can’t happen in Provo, UT.” I understood what he thought, because I thought the exact same thing up until it happened to me.
I’m sharing this with you because I want to help put a face to a word we’ve all heard, “rape victim.” If you know me in real life or even from my social media, I’m sure all of this is a big surprise. As a young girl (thanks to Law & Order: SVU) I had an idea of what a rape victim looked like. It was not what I see in the morning everyday when I look in the mirror. It wasn’t me. But, it’s so important to acknowledge that sexual assault victims are everywhere and they all look very different. Sexual assault is very real, it’s time we start acknowledging that.

Real quick, let me just jump up on this soap box: Your body is YOUR body. No one (and I mean NO ONE) has possession over your body. You don’t owe anyone a dang thing. Abuse is abuse, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you find yourself in an abusive situation, you have to get out. You have to save yourself. Also, everyone has their agency and sex is not a “if and then” situation (if you do this, then you have to have sex.) If you have been abused, no matter the circumstances, it was not/is not your fault. I don’t care if you were drunk, I don’t care if you were breaking the honor code, and I sure as hell don’t care how long your skirt was… it was not your fault. It will never be your fault. Please remember that.

I will not let any of this break me. Last night I woke up from a horrible dream and couldn’t sleep for hours. The nightmares, the being scared of falling asleep, the fear of being alone with men that I do not know well, it’s all still there. But I believe that there is a light at the end of all of this.
I want to end this with my testimony of love. I know that seems ridiculous given how heavy this post was, but I know that love is the light at the end my tunnel. I have a Heavenly Father (and my parents here on Earth) that will help me through this. Not only that, but there are so many resources out there to help people who have gone through these types of things. If you are a victim, know that I love you. Rape, pain and assault is all very real, but so are you. I understand you, and I see you. You are not invisible. You will survive, just like I have, and just like we will fight every day to do.
xoxo Kristen
 Here is a link to Honey Organization. Seriously, obsessed with them and all of the work that they are doing. If you are a victim, the loved one of a victim, or if you just want to get involved, please check out their website.
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What to Expect When You’re Expecting (To Be Single in 2017)

2016 has been quite a doozy, hasn’t it? We’ve seen a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a whole lot of Kardashians.

Almost everyone I know really hated 2016. And you know what? I think it’s because we weren’t prepared. We weren’t prepared for the heartbreak (R.I.P. literally everyone), the ups and downs, or the amount of dance challenges (Mannequin/Juju on that Beat) that 2016 brought into each of our lives.

Tomorrow is the start of 2017, and I want to help YOU be prepared. Benjamin Franklin once said, “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” We need to prepare for 2017!

Now you might be thinking, “Kristen, your life is a mess. What can you do to help me prepare for 2017??” Well, let me tell you… I am the mo’effing expert on being single. I was single for all of 2016, so I’ve seen it all, I know what it’s all about.

Feeling crappy about being single is the root of about 47% of my issues, and I’m barely taking control of that. BUT, for those of you entering 2017 newly single, you’re not prepared like I am. You haven’t seen what I’ve seen (a lot of nights eating cookie dough and watching Netflix.) LISTEN TO ME: do not fear being single in 2017, because I’m going to share my knowledge of what it’s like to be single so that *YOU* can be prepared.

Here is what you should expect in 2017, your year of singleness:

  1. You are going to have friends that say at least one of the following, just smile and nod:
    1. Having a BF/GF isn’t as good as it seems
    2. Ugh, you’re so lucky. Enjoy being single while you can!
    3. It’ll happen when you least expect it.
  2. You’re not going to be invited to everything. Sometimes your cute friends in relationships want to do fun things with other cute people in relationships and guess what… YOU AREN’T IN A RELATIONSHIP (but you are cute.) But yeah, they aren’t going to invite you because you’re single. Couples camping trip, couples trip to Vegas, Couples date to go ice skating, yeah, no, you’re not invited to any of these. Just be prepared for the FOMO.
  3. At first, family will ask a lot about your dating life, but alas that won’t last forever. Eventually, they won’t ask you about dating anymore because they feel sorry and awkward and uncomfortable. So like #winning because you don’t have to talk about it, but also #sucks because you’re loneliness makes your crazy aunt feel awkward.

    Me in my natural single habitat
  4. You WILL have really nice friends that just can’t understand HOW YOU’RE STILL SINGLE. They will say it… often. And, it’s always awkward, because if you’re like, “I know! WHY AM I SINGLE??” then they think you’re sad and have low self-esteem and it gets sad real quick. So when they ask how the heck you’re still single, just giggle and shrug and switch the conversation.
  5. You’re going to get the urge to try Tinder. There’s a weird satisfaction one gets when they see that a stranger on the internet thought that they looked hot enough to right swipe. My advice? Don’t do it. Or at least download Bumble. But try and stay away from those things. Trust. Me.
  6.  You’re going to want to delete Facebook/Instagram during wedding season. Why? It’s the captions. Like, engagement photos, “Mrs.BlahBlah has a nice RING to it.” And then there’s the countdowns “78 more days until eternity.” Yeah, I just can’t. THEN the 10,000 wedding photos come. Those captions are even worse because they always start off with, “Just got the wedding pics back, get ready for some double-posts.” 134 photos posted in a row later….. You find yourself hating your friends while you sit alone in your room watching New Girl. It’s a sad life.
  7. A friend is going to try and set you up with someone, and you will be slightly offended. THIS is what you think of me?? But don’t be offended, they’re just trying to help you out.
  8. At one point this year, you are going to like someone, you are going to think that they might like you too, and then you are going to have your heart ripped out when you find out that they don’t like you. It’s going to happen. Just be prepared. It’s not reflection on you, they just suck.
  9. You’ll have at least one friend that will make a single pact with you, and then break it the second they find someone. “This is OUR year. Our year to be single and do whatever the H*CK we want!” And then a guy will smile at her at the store, and it’s all over. It’s OK, because the second you find someone that shows interest in you, you’ll drop her too. Don’t hate her too much.
  10. You’re going to go on at least one bad date, it will happen. This year I was on a date where the guy spoke for a solid 90 minutes without taking a breath. Like, it was nice because I could eat my Zupas in peace, but also what about me??? So yeah, you’ll go on a bad date, heck you might go on 10 bad dates, but just remember, it’s not you, it’s them. (Unless it is you, then maybe you should not do whatever you were doing.)
  11. You’re going to realize that almost every holiday has turned into a social media “my significant other is better/cuter than yours” war. President’s Day, Pioneer Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Labor Day…. All of these holidays are now accompanied with “Spending *insert holiday here* with him” and tons of heart eye emojis.  It’s the actual worst. Just be prepared to scroll right past all of those posts.
  12. Weirdly enough… Valentine’s Day is the one holiday that a lot of friends will be considerate of your loneliness, at least in my experience. Your friends that are in relationships will actually avoid talking about Valentine’s Day around you. I’m not sure if it’s because they’re worried it will make you feel uncomfortable or if it just makes them feel uncomfortable because you’re so alone, but they will avoid talking about Valentine’s Day, and that’s super nice. Thank you guys.
  13. There will be times (it might be all the time) when you feel vulnerable and particularly alone…. and you will be attracted to every single single person you come across. Your childhood best friend, your home teacher, your nerdy co-worker, and literally anyone else with a heart beat all become completely and totally irresistible. Why? BECAUSE YOU THIRSTY. And that’s okay. It’s okay to fall in love with everyone, just don’t act on it. Okay? Okay.

I could write a book about all of the things to expect when you’re single in your 20’s, but I don’t have the patience or emotional stamina to do that. But if you’re feeling scared or nervous to start 2017 as a single guy/gal, don’t be afraid because you’re not alone. Well, you are, but like so am I, so like I’m here for you.

Happy New Year! Let’s kick some serious butt.

xoxo Kristen

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thank·ful \ˈthaŋk-fəl\ adjective : glad that something has happened or not happened, that something or someone exists, etc.

If you’re reading this… thank you. I know you’ve probably seen a thousand different “Thanksgiving” blog posts, so it means a lot that you’re reading mine. THANKS!

I feel like we set up November and Thanksgiving to fail every year. You never hear people saying, “AGH ONLY 2 MORE MONTHS UNTIL THANKSGIVING.” No. It doesn’t happen. November 1st comes around and people start counting down the days until Christmas. Thanksgiving dinner becomes Thanksgiving lunch, that way there’s enough time to make it to Walmart in time to get a $200 laptop (I’m actually typing this on my $200 laptop that I got last Black Friday. Holla!) Whether we like to admit it or not, we don’t really give Thanksgiving the time and appreciation it deserves.

Although I do need to give credit where credit is due, because there are the few people who really try to celebrate Thanksgiving. You know who I’m talking about. They post once a day on Facebook and/or Instagram about what they’re grateful for, it’s beautiful really. I commend those people. I can barely remember to put a bra on everyday, nonetheless post on FB my “Day 13 of Gratitude” post. Basically, kudos to y’all who do this.

Well this year I’m going to try and be like these people I admire. I’m going to really focus on what I’m grateful for up until Thanksgiving (but like also after Thanksgiving… so like all the time.) But, I’m starting this late so it’s going to be more of a 12 days of Thanksgiving type of thing rather than a 30 days of Thanksgiving. Ya know?

K, you can tell me if it’s just me… but, I think it’s pretty difficult to list all of the things that I’m grateful for. Do you know what I mean? Like maybe the first couple of things I list are things that I’m honest to goodness grateful for, but then I start listing “running water, modern medicine, electricity, Google Fiber, etc.” Like, am I actually grateful for these things? Yes. But like so is everyone??? It’s kind of a cop out answer.

So, this year, instead of rambling off a list of things that I have and feel obligated to be thankful for, I’m trying to reach down further.

Here are the 3 rules for my #12DaysOfThanksgiving:

  1. I will (after much thought) pick one thing that I’m grateful for each day up until Thanksgiving.
  2. I’m going to really ponder on this thing that I’m grateful for. WHY am I grateful for this thing? What am I doing show my gratitude for this thing? What is something that I can do to enhance my relationship with this thing? I’ll keep track of all of this in my journal aka the Internet.
  3. Almost everything I am thankful for has come to me via multiple people in my life. My job? My boss. My car? My parents for encouraging me. My apartment? My best friend for finding it and getting all the paperwork taken care of. Honestly, without my friends and family I’d be living in a ditch somewhere (kinda like how Zero lived in an upside down canoe in Holes.) So, for each day and each thing that I am grateful for, I’m going to do an act of service for someone else. Give back a little. Give someone something to be grateful for, ya know?

I’m posting this more or less to hold me accountable to actually doing it, but you can totally join in on this #12DaysOfThanksgiving with me. If you do, message me so that we can talk about it or if you post about it, use the hashtag so that I can see. There is nothing wrong with sharing a little goodness.

K. Wish me luck! Here’s to being grateful!

xoxo Kristen

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15 Things I Wish I Knew When I Came To BYU

Dear Freshmen (and anyone new to Provo or just needing some advice,)

Welcome to Provo. I’m glad you’re here. Well, kind of. Like, due to uneven ratios, you’re making it harder for me to find a husband, but it’s fine. Four years ago I was in your shoes. I was a scared, out-of-state, 18 year-old, freshman girl ready to take on the world. ‘Twas a great time.

In these past four years I’ve done a lot of things, and I’ve learned a lot of lessons. Looking back, I don’t think I would change anything that I did. BUT, I do kind of wish that I had an older, cooler, hotter friend that could have given me the 411 on Provo/BYU/UVU life. I’ve taken it amongst myself to write out a few of the things that I know now and that I wish I knew then. So, here it is.

I am your Yoda. I am your Beyoncé. I am you. Listen to me.

  1. Don’t buy a bunch of BYU t-shirts. I PROMISE you that you will get so many free BYU shirts in the next year, and you will feel so dumb for ever giving that university an extra dollar on top of your tuition.
  2. Learn how to take off window screens. In the next 4 or however many years you spend in college, you’re going to need to climb in through a window once or twice or eighty times. You will forget your keys, your roommates will ignore your texts, and you will need to break in. Learn how to take the screens off and climb through windows without damaging property/yourself, and you’ll be golden.
  3. Do whatever it takes for free or severely cheap food. If wearing a onesie gets you $1 shakes, do it. If “liking” a page on Facebook gets you a free appetizer, do it. If signing up for weekly texts from the all-you-can-eat pizza place gets you 50% and a free drink, DO IT.
  4. mitch-matthews
    Us girls just so excited 2 be w/ (then unimportant) Mitch Matthews.

    Please don’t idolize the football players (especially the freshman football players.) As if their heads weren’t already huge, this will only inflate them more. I promise you, they are just normal people.

  5. Get used to eating Denny’s. Often. It’s the only sit down restaurant open past 10 PM. Never, ever, EVER buy anything other than what’s on the $4 or $2 menu. Trust me. Denny’s is not the time nor the place to start acting adventurous.
  6. If you’re going to break a rule or two, don’t advertise it. Sometimes you’ll have one roommate that is a total weenie and loves following rules. She will be annoying, and she will tell on you. For instance, if it’s your birthday, and she said that there can’t be birthday candles, don’t post a photo on Facebook of you blowing out candles in your apartment. She will be annoying, and she will report you and all of your friends. Just block her on Facebook. (This was a real experience in case you couldn’t tell. Also, she’s still blocked so she will probably never see this.)
  7. Get involved! There are so many clubs and groups to be a part of. Join an intramural team, even if inner tube water polo isn’t your “thing,” it still makes you cool and sporty and extracurricular activity-ish.
  8. You marry who you date. So… date a lot. Like, it’s okay if you’re that “we met and two weeks later I knew he was the one so we got married a week later” type of girl/guy, but like, you don’t want to be that girl/guy. You’ve just spent the last 18 years under the rule of two people who love you and tell you what to do. Don’t just jump into another relationship where you are dependent on someone else who loves you and tells you what to do. Date around and form relationships that help you decide what attributes you are looking for. Figure out what your deal breakers are. This is your time to figure out who YOU are and what YOU like, don’t let your first college sweetheart take that from you.
  9. There are tons of events with free photo booths. Take ALL of the photos you can. Like, #YOLO. Actually, in general, take tons of photos. Time goes by so fast, capture a picture to capture a memory.
  10. twerk
    LOL, crazy grlz going 2 a crazy party

    Go to all the parties you can. You are young. An hour or two of “partying” isn’t going to kill your GPA. As far as the crazy dance parties advertised on Facebook… go to like one. Trust me, whether it’s the White Out Dance Party of The Year or the NEON DANCE FEST, they’re all the same. An extra piece of advice for dance parties that cost money: I know it’s free if you go before 10, but just pay the extra $7 to get in. You’re an adult, you can pay a few dollars for a dance. If you go way early it’s just really gross and it takes away the magic of the sweatiness, the darkness, and the loudness of the full-on dance party.

  11. Still on the subject of dancing, grinding/dirty dancing/freaking on the dance floor is not always as cool and sexy as you think it might be . I love shaking my bum bum to Pony just as much as the next girl, but like, is it always appropriate/needed? No (but sometimes it is appropriate AND needed.) Most of the it’s all a little trashy. Be classy, (try to be) never trashy.
  12. Don’t cling on to high school crushes. I spent the first couple of months of my college career staying up until 3 in the morning Skyping some guy from back home. I made… 1 friend that semester: my roommate that I shared a bunk bed with. Like, I knew the “relationship” wasn’t going anywhere, but I still held on to it. Give it up. Move on. Meet new people. Get a new boo.
  13. laundry
    The most accurate explanation of my Freshman year + Laundry room.

    Don’t procrastinate your laundry. Like, I know you will (I still do) but like, try to keep up on it. You don’t wanna be that guy/girl wearing swimsuit bottoms because you don’t have any clean underwear (but like, you will at one point be that person, don’t be ashamed.)

  14. Tinder/Bumble is not the answer to fix your severe case of loneliness. You’re going to start hearing the term, NCMO, more and more often. It’s gross. You can have your one breakout moment where you kiss a rando, but don’t be THAT guy or girl who kisses anyone with a heartbeat. Like, it’s cool to be the person that dates a lot, but it’s not as cool to be the hook up guy/girl. You’re more than that, so be more than that.
  15. Say “YES” to life. Looking back on my four years, there is not one crazy adventure I regret. Whether it was a spontaneous road trip to California for 48 hours or trespassing in an abandoned prison or even going on a first date with a boy that I wasn’t sure about. I wouldn’t go back, and I sure as he*k wouldn’t change a thing. Unless a still small voice advises against it, do it! You’re only a 18/19 or twenty-something year old for so long, enjoy it.

There you have it, that’s just a little of my advice. Take it or leave it. Also, just remember… no matter how awkward you are RN, it will get better. Look at that top photo of myself w/ friends… so much better than we looked 4 years ago.

Btw, glad you’re here. Let’s be friends.

xoxo Kristen

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Sometimes I Feel Hopeful, Sometimes I Feel Like a Potato

As young adults, I think we have developed into a generation that believes that we can do anything, we can think anything, and that we have the ability to become anything. Opportunities are endless. It is kind of amazing. At the same time, it’s also terrifying.

Uncle Ben once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” And like, same. With all of this potential and opportunity comes great responsibility and hard work. It’s scary. So, sure, I can do anything… but so can everyone else, which makes it more stressful. It’s like, I’m trying to do all of these cool things, but at the same time be just as successful or look just as cool doing these things as my friends do. I *can* do anything, but can I actually?? There’s just so much pressure (mainly brought on by myself.)

If you haven’t been able to tell, I’ve kind of been caught up in an emotional tsunami of sorts. It’s like, I know what I want in life: a husband, a family, a career, a home, and a purpose. But, I am nowhere close to having any of those things. I’m not in classes, I’m not dating anyone seriously (or at all,) I’m a waitress at a Mexican restaurant, and I’m crippling under a massive amount of self-doubt and low self-esteem. If you’re ever around me IRL, than you’d know I refer to myself as a potato 95% of the time. (Like, I can’t explain the potato reference. It’s just something you have to get, ya know? Like, picture a potato… that’s what I feel like.) Basically, things aren’t looking to bright right now.

(Btw, I’m only writing about all of this because I can only imagine (and secretly hope) that I am not the only one going through this. I can’t be the only one that feels like a total potato 24/7. There’s no way.)

So, anyway… I don’t have the answer. I don’t know how to make the self-doubts vanish or how to get the perfect bod or how to finish 4 years of school in 1. I just don’t. BUT, I do have the internet. The internet has provided me with a lot of clues that might lead me to the right answer. So, assuming I’m not the only one that feels a little lost from time to time, I’m going to share a few talks, videos, and quotes that I have felt are way helpful on these cloudy days.

  1. “Jesus doesn’t make up the difference. Jesus makes all the difference. Grace is not about filling gaps. It is about filling us.” I feel like from time to time I try to make a game plan to get my life together. Like, I’ll make a budget plan and try to meal plan and figure out a scripture reading schedule. I’ll be able to keep up with these goals for like a day, and then I fall short, and then I give up. Brad Wilcox gave an amazing devotional (and one of my all time favorite talks) at BYU called, “His Grace is Sufficient.” Please read, listen and/or watch this talk. We WILL fall short, but that’s okay. Our Savior has already paid the debt in full, we are here to obey and try our hardest.
  2. “He’s the only one who can make it bearable when life is simply anything but.” We will be given more than we can handle, this is where our faith comes to play. Kayla Lemmon, from All Our Lemmony Things, wrote “God Will Give You More Than You Can Handle, I Guarantee It,” a couple of years ago. This was one of the first blogs I have ever read and I’ve kept bookmarked on my phone ever since. Sometimes the pain, stress, and hopelessness is just all too much; it sometimes feels like I literally can’t breathe. This is when I’m supposed to rely on my Heavenly Father and Savior. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of me…for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matt. 11: 28-30)
  3. “I know that my Redeemer lives. What comfort this sweet sentence gives!” This is forever my favorite hymn. Like, forever favorite of all time and eternity. It’s so beautiful. Listen to it, read it, or study the words. It’s a beautiful testimony. “He lives to comfort me when faint. He lives to hear my soul’s complaint. He lives to silence all my fears. He lives to wipe away my tears. He lives to calm my troubled heart.”
  4. No words. Just watch
  5. Kid President will forever be my favorite. He made this video for his little nephew, to teach him about the world that we live in. I think it’s a cute little reminder of how simple and good life can be, if we choose to see it that way.

Like I said earlier, life is rough. All the time. I don’t know who I am, where I’m going, or what I’m doing. But, that’s ok.

This blog post wasn’t meant to fix anything or provide any huge keys to success. I’m still lying on my floor in despair thinking about bills, being forever single, and all of the laundry that I need to do. But, writing this, re-reading these articles, and watching these videos has brought me back something that I think I lost a while ago: hope.

Here’s to hoping you find your own slice of hope.

xoxo Kristen

p.s. I’ve never done this before, but I would love if you could leave either your favorite talk, song, video, or quote, for when you’re feeling down, in the comments. I love sharing what gets me through the rough spots, and I would LOVE to know what helps y’all out.

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