One Year Later

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

Hi. I’ve written/re-written this post like 10 times in the past week. I’ve had so much that I wanted to say… and I just didn’t know the best way to say it. It’s been one year since I posted Rape Isn’t Real. Honestly that might not seem ~that~ crazy to all of you, but for me it has felt like a huge milestone. It’s been one whole year.

It’s been one year since “the girl who was raped” was added to my bio.

It’s been one year since I can finally talk to my friends about everything.

It’s been one year since my friend had to forward my blog post to my best friend on her mission because I couldn’t do it myself.

It’s been one year since my parents realized why I’ve been so “different.”

It’s been one year since I could breathe.

Anyway, all the dramatics aside, it’s been one year and I felt the need to share some thoughts. Here are a few:


  1. Sexual Assault is NEVER the victims fault. After sharing my assault, I read through every single message, text, and comment. Most were loving and supportive, but there were a few wild ones. A few people said that if I had never put myself in that situation, then everything would’ve been fine. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nothing about a 19 year old girl sleeping over at a boy’s house because it was snowing ASKS for rape. And I can’t think of one thing on this Earth that would cause someone to deserve to be assaulted. Just saying. It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing, what position of power they have, how late it is, no means no. k?
  2. Our only job is to believe victims. I believe in God + I believe that there will be a judgement day. One day we will all need to step up and answer for what we have done. With that being said, I’m v happy to say, that I won’t be the one making judgements that day. It won’t be my job. Then + now, I only have one job: to love. And that’s what I plan on doing. It’s not my place to judge whether or not a survivor is telling the truth. That is between them, the assaulter, and (one day) God.  I will show my love and support for victims by showing up for them and believing them. I think that’s how it should be for everyone, just believe.
  3. As survivors, we are not alone. One of the most overwhelming things to happen on the last year was the amount of women that reached out to me with similar stories to mine. It broke my heart. It was horrific to know that others have suffered through the same thing that I was still trying to suffer through. While it was horrific, it was also calming. I realized I was not alone. I have found help from many different resources, my favorite being Honey Organization. I’ve attended both a Survivor’s Dinner + a Gather even from them and I never felt safer than I did that night. I was surrounded by people who understood what I had gone through, because they too had gone through it. There is peace to be found, you just have to find it.
  4. Speak your truth. Last year I felt like I couldn’t breathe once my post went live. A secret I had held for so long was no longer a secret (in reality it was never something I needed to keep a secret.) I couldn’t “take it back” and that was so scary. I’ve always been the funny girl that everyone knows and is so fun and blah blah blah, but the second I posted this, I just knew I would see people look at me and say, “Oh… I’m so sorry.” And that’s not what I wanted. BUT… once I posted my blog, my friends did say “oh.” It wasn’t those “oh no’s..” that I had been worries about, they were “oh hell no’s.” They didn’t feel bad for me, they felt for me; they were angry WITH me. As time went on, I realized I surrounded by people that saw me as a victim, but they saw me as a survivor. The morale of this? Don’t be afraid to stand up and share your story (if that’s what you want to do.) Thanks to a lot of strong people and the #metoo movement, sexual assault isn’t such a taboo subject. I was sent (not exaggerating) hundreds of emails and messages from other women who felt that they could share their story (even if not publicly, just with me) after reading my own. They felt safe because someone else said #metoo first.

It’s crazy because it has been almost 5 years since my assault + one year since I became very public about it, but it feels all so new and real still. I still have trouble sleeping. I still have weird touch barriers with men that I don’t know well enough (I literally took a step back when a guy reached out his hand to shake mine a month ago.) I still can’t say the “R” word out loud when telling my own story. I still blame myself for a lot of things. I still ask a lot of “what if’s?” What if I had just walked home in the snow? What if I had told my parents instead of my Bishop? What if I had told the police? What if? I still cry every time I sing “Praying” by Kesha in my car. I still cry.

But…

I still wake up every morning and I still live my life. And if that’s all I can do, that’s enough for me.

One year later, and I’m doing ok.

xoxo

Kristen

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How To: Apply Strip Lashes Like A (financially unstable) QUEEN

HELLOOOOO LADIES.

I love the look of eyelash extensions. I also LOVE having a roof over my head. Unfortunately for me, with my wallet, I can’t afford both. For that reason (and a few others) I’ve decided to avoid extensions + to wear strip lashes instead.

I’ve been asked a million times how I apply my strip lashes. I don’t know if that’s because they look good or maybe because they look bad (you know how if someone has something that looks bad you overly compliment them on it? “OMG I LOVE YOUR HAIR!!!!! I’m convinced that anytime someone is complimenting me, it’s because they hate whatever it is. lolllll #selfesteemissues)

At work I was given the opportunity to teach a “How To” on their blog + I realized it was the perfect time to try to explain how I wear my lashes.

Here’s my “How To” video shot by the wonderful Paige Mosman:

The steps are pretty easy. With that being said, I’m 100% sure I don’t apply the strip lashes correctly. Like, I’m sure there are tools that I should be using + what not. BUT… that’s just how I do.

Head on over to the Kortni Jeane Blog to read my whole post. Also, check out their swimsuits. My. Fave.

Let me know if you have any questions, tips, or if you hated this. Love you all!

xoxo

Kristen

 

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#DearKristen: Thots on Confidence

I AM VERY EXCITED TO START THIS NEW SERIES, #DearKristen. The concept: y’all ask questions + I’ll answer them. They can be literally about ~anything~ dating, fashion, politics, churchy stuff, favorite colors, favorite chicken, etc. I’ll try to answer a few every month + if I don’t cover the question this month in a #DearKristen post, it’s because I’m probably going to cover it in a future post.


Dear Kristen, You are so confident!!! How do you do it?!

and

Dear Kristen, What gives you confidence to make videos/posts and all that?

Dear Anonymous Friends with Questions,

WOW WOW WOW WOW. I am always taken back when people ask me about my “confidence.” If you were to ask my parents, they would tell you that the one thing I battled against the hardest through high school was confidence (and the one time I was accidentally put into ESL.) If you were to ask 11 year old chubby Kristen that wore wire framed oval glasses and overalls (WITH A BELT) everyday what her biggest trial was, it would have been 1) the fact that she wasn’t on the Disney Channel and then 2) not looking like all of her pretty friends. Even to this day, confidence is not my ~thing~. Well, at least I don’t feel like it is. BUT I am glad that I’m coming off as a confident woman!!

K, so I think a lot of “confidence” has to do with the power of choice. I’m a firm believer that you can choose whatever you want. If you want to be rich, you can choose to only eat ramen and save every penny and get 3 jobs and… the list goes on. If you want to lose or gain weight, you can choose to actually go to the gym and diet. If you want to be happy, you can choose to be happy despite your possibly unhappy circumstances. If you want to be confident, you can choose to love yourself.

It doesn’t matter how many times J.Biebs tells me to love myself, it’s still hard. Don’t worry, I get that. That’s why I think it’s also important to figure out ~why~ you aren’t confident, so that way you can resolve that and THEN choose to be confident.


I am going to be 1,000,000% honest with everyone. All of my confidence issues come from dating. Most def. I think a lot of my issues with dating (or the lack of dating) comes from the culture + environment that I currently live in.

For those of you who don’t know… I live in Provo, Utah aka the Mormon Young Adult Capital. Something that I LOVE about my religion is that everything centers around family. I love that. BUT, it’s hard when every Sunday you’re only learning about things you need to do ~when~ you have your own family, but then Monday-Saturday no one wants to date you or make a family with you. You know? It wears on your confidence. Like, I am supposed to have a family + have a companion + blah blah blah, but no one likes me??? So what’s wrong with me?? I mean my first thought is that I’m a chubby brown girl living in a city who’s population is over 80% white. I’m definitely different. But what IS it? Am I ugly? Am I too tall? Too short? Too chubby? NOT CHUBBY ENOUGH (lol I wish that was the answer)???

As you can see, I start to tear myself down because I assume there MUST be something wrong with me since I’m not married with 3 kids at the age of 24. Or there MUST be something wrong with me since I haven’t been on a single freaking date in months. There MUST be something wrong. Right?

TBH, maybe. I’d rather think that there must be something wrong with everyone else. Because I think I’m a freaking catch.

See? That’s how you fix the problem. You stop caring about what others may or may not be thinking + start caring about yourself and what YOU think.


HOW TO BE CONFIDENT BY KRISTEN WHO IS NOT CONFIDENT:

1) Figure out ~why~ you’re not confident. Is it boys? Mommy issues? Instagram? Feeling inadequate compared to the Fab 5 from Queer Eye?

2) Tell whatever that thing is that’s keep you from feeling like the boss queen you were born to be to GO TO HELL (unless it was the Fab 5 because they are actual perfection.) I think it might be a fake quote, but I have this quote on my wall from Brigham Young that says, “If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from.” Like I said, I don’t know if that’s a real quote, but I consider it doctrine. Tell the bad stuff to go to hell.

3) Now that you told the bad stuff to go to hell, CHOOSE TO LOVE YOURSELF. Love your imperfections and your blemishes and your weird stuff. You are the only you there is. That makes you pretty damn special.


As far as what makes me feel confident enough to post the dumb photos + videos that I post… I think it all comes back to remembering that MY Instagram is for ME. It’s a collection of photos + videos that I at one point said “hey I like this.” And remember, you love yourself now and that means you can be confident in what you love/share.

KRISTEN IS A WEENIE STORY TIME: The other week I posted a photo of my two friends and I at The Gem Studio in Provo and (please stay with me for this story, I promise I’m not as obsessed with “likes” as it’s about to sound…) it got less than 200 likes. I FREAKED OUT. Most of my photos get 300+ likes. I started looking up to see if IG got a new algorithim or to see if I maybe was “shadow blocked” (I didn’t realize that was a thing until I did and then I freaked) because I was sad that no one “liked” my photo. I started to look at the photo to see if maybe I was xtra ugly in the picture or to see if maybe it was offensive?? BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT THAT PHOTO WASN’T FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME. I shouldn’t care if anyone “liked” it because I LOVED it. It was my memory that I wanted to share. So what if other people didn’t like it?

^^ That was a dumb story but it goes to prove that no matter how confident someone looks, they still get caught up in dumb stuff. Also, moral of the story? Take a step away from things that make you question yourself. I literally FREAKED OUT over not getting enough “likes.” Gross. I seriously can’t even with myself over that story, but I felt it was important to share because of how gross I was.


TO SUM IT ALL UP:

I believe that confidence is less about thinking that I have my whole life together and that I’m doing great and it’s more about acknowledging the weird stuff in my life and loving it. It’s about loving myself even though I hate my arms. It’s not dwelling on the fact that I think my arms are quite actually THE largest things in the world, but instead it’s loving that I have two strong arms that drive me to work + hug friends + arms that I can eat chicken with. I love chicken and I love my arms and I love myself.

So to my friends asking about confidence? Confidence is loving yourself. Look in the mirror and repeat after me, “I look good. I feel good. Baby, I AM good.” LOVE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOU ARE A QUEEEEEEEEEN.

xoxo

Kristen

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24

Thursday is my birthday + that means that this girl is turning the big 2-4. It’s funny because I have a ton of friends who are older than me, so I still feel like a baby, but then I have a handful of friends who are younger than me, so I’m feelin’ OLD. Either way, I’m excited to be turning 24.

24. Twenty-four. 2. 4. I feel like 24 is a good round, even number. It screams adult. Like when I was 18/19, I was an “adult” but not really. Then when I was 20, I was just wishing I was 21 + then when I turned 21, I realized that I still couldn’t do anything. 22 was the year I listened to “22” by Taylor Swift 22 too many times, then I turned 23 + no one likes you when you’re 23.

BUT NOW, now I’m (turning) 24. There’s nothing to be said about 24 year olds, it’s a blank canvas. I can make 24 whatever I want it to be. I mean, I’ll probably just lay in my bed a lot this year, but still. ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.

I’ve decided to make a list of things that I have learned throughout the years. It’s almost like a testimony of my life. I think this list will be good for me. It’s helping me reflect on the lessons I’ve learned + help me prepare for this next year. Possibly.


24 Things I’ve Learned in the Last 24 Years

  1. I still don’t know what “fashion” means, BUT I do know that you can pull anything off that you ~tell yourself~ you can pull off. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR JUMPSUITS. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR WHITE. YOU CAN TOTALLY WEAR STUFF FROM WALMART.
  2. You have to pay for speeding/traffic tickets or else they will issue out a warrant + you CAN get arrested.
  3. It’s okay to have separate groups of friends, you don’t have to do everything in ONE big group all the time. Some friends might not vibe with other friends and that’s okay. Don’t force people to hang out with people they don’t want to hang out with.
  4. Self-deprecating humor IS funny, but it is also sad. You’ll get the laughs, but also get the, “aww’s….” You don’t want the “aww’s…”
  5. Horoscopes may or may not be real. But, if they aren’t real… whoever is writing them sure knows a lot about me and my future. SpoOkY.
  6. Sometimes you HAVE to cry it out. Be strong, but also be strong enough to cry. It’ll be okay + it’ll be a little better after you cry it out. Trusttttt.
  7. Dating/boys don’t get better the older you get, it/they just get older (which isn’t always a good thing but also not a bad thing??)
  8. You don’t “want” Netfix and Hulu, you “NEED” Netflix and Hulu.
  9. Planners are cool. They’re even cooler when you use them. (Also, splurge on a NICE planner + you’ll be more likely to use it, I get mine from Ban.do.)
  10. The Bachelor might not be “real” but it sure is entertaining. Don’t let anyone shame you from watching good quality trash TV. Live, laugh, love trash TV.
  11. If you want something that is stupid expensive for no good reason, don’t just buy the cheaper knock-off. Just save to get the boujee thing, because you’ll never be ~truly~ happy with the knock-off. (This is directed @ my Hydroflask and all the poor water bottles I’ve bought until I finally got the Hydroflask.) It’s okay to want nice/boujee things.
  12. Beanies don’t look good on everyone and that’s OKAY.
  13. It’s better to know that a love interest doesn’t love you back then to live out a hypothetical romance in your head because you don’t know if he likes you or not.
  14. Church sucks if you’re only going to meet a future boo thang. Apparently “going for the right reasons” is a real thing.
  15. There is nothing wrong for wanting to be liked by everyone.
  16. Life is crazy, but it’s 10X crazier when Mercury is in retrograde (refer back to #5, I don’t know if it’s real but it sure feels like it.)
  17. There is NOTHING wrong with eating Chik-Fil-A multiple times a week.
  18. Rihanna is better than Beyonce.
  19. Life is all about the choices we make + every choice we make will have a consequence.
  20. School is important but so is my sanity.
  21. Old Navy errythang. If you shop at Old Navy, you know what this means.
  22. It’s OKAY to be sad about not dating anyone. I think sometimes whenever a girl says she’s sad that she’s single we try to convince her that she’s a strong woman that don’t need no one but herself, but I think it’s also okay to long for a companion? Idk. I just think it’s okay to not want to be single.
  23. In reference to #22, you can’t let your dating life, or lack thereof, TAKE OVER your normal day-to-day life. It’s okay to be sad or angry for a minute, but don’t let it take away from all of the other amazing things that life has to offer.
  24. Know your worth. Once you start believing you’re worth more, you’ll start acting like you’re worth more, and others will treat you like you’re worth more.

Well, that’s it. That’s all I’ve learned. Let’s see what this next year brings.

xoxo

Kristen

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January 2018

January 2018 was… as to be expected. I had a lot of goals + I didn’t achieve a single one. Oops. BUT, I did keep one of my goals/resolutions. At the beginning of the year I told myself that I wanted to try and document every single day of my year. Not really in staged photos or selfies, but in little moments. I found this app called “1 Second Everyday” and it’s AMAZING.

Essentially you make 1 second clips everyday and then the app stores them and compiles them into movies. Anyway, you should download it. It’s seriously so cool. I was getting down in the dumps a few days ago about how I’ve already accomplished so little in 2018, but then I watched back the 25 or so days worth of videos I had and I remembered all of the things I have accomplished in 2018.


Accomplishments of 2018 (so far)

  1. I was able to see an old friend. (Hi Caitlin.)
  2. I went to the gym more in January 2018 than I did October-December of 2017. Like, not by a lot, but still.
  3. I’ve made seeing Jack (Cassy’s dog) multiple times a week  priority.
  4. I danced a lot.
  5. I went to the Sundance Film Festival AND I actually watched a movie/I didn’t just try to find celebrities on Main Street like I normally do.
  6. I laughed a lot.

Here’s my January 2018 a few seconds at a time:

Anyway, 2018 didn’t really start off with a bang but I have 11 more months to get my stuff together, right??

xoxo

Kristen

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2018: The Year Kristen Got Hot

Happy FREAKING New Year!!

This is always such an exciting time. I mean it is a 👏🏾 new 👏🏾 year. Brand new. We all have the chance to do everything over again. Didn’t like how Valentine’s Day went last year? You get another one. Wish you paid more attention to the news and current events? You can this year (don’t use Buzzfeed as your only news source. Trust me.) Didn’t kiss anyone on New Year’s Eve (sorry if this is still a fresh wound)?? WELL YOU WILL GET ANOTHER CHANCE. It’s a new year.

Not only is this a new year. This is MY year.

You see… I’m turning 24 this year + something that I’ve noticed about myself is that I complain all the time. ALL THE TIME. Life happens and it sucks sometimes. BUT, I’m done with that attitude. For the last 24 years I’ve let life happen to me, but this year I’m to make it happen. Make what happen you might ask? I’m not sure. But whatever it is, I’m making it happen. 👏🏾👏🏾

This year is going to be MY year. Mark my words. I want this to be the year people look back on + are like, “wow… that’s the year Kristen got hot (hot in a physically/emotionally/spiritually/mentally kind of way.)” I’m going to become the best version of myself. YAAAASSS.


One of my favorite books is, “You Are a Badass” by Jen Sincero. If you haven’t read it, READ IT. She talks all about the subconscious + the conscious mind and their effects on our day-to-day lives. She talks about how we can have good goals (like losing weight) but we have a subconscious fear of someone hurting us, so we sabotage ourselves from actually losing weight. ANYWAY, she talks about acknowledging what is keeping you from achieving your goals and then tackling THOSE as your goals.

So, HOW am I going to become the best version of myself? Idk. But I’m going to make ACHIEVABLE goals that are linked to my bigger goals. Here they are:

1. Take myself seriously. I make fun of myself ALL THE TIME. Like, I know it’s not healthy but I can’t stop? SO, I want to stop making fun of myself. I especially love to make jokes about how single I am. But, my Stepmom once told me, dating Kristen Walker isn’t a joke. So… I’ll stop making that joke. Also, I really want to be serious about blogging this year. I’ve said it a million times, but I need to mean it. If I want you all to take me seriously, I have to take myself seriously.

2. Find 1 way to serve another everyday. This is pretty straight to the point. I just want to be a better person. So I guess I should start doing nice things for others?????

3. Experience more. I’m only going to be a single 24-year old for so long (most likely 365 days to be exact) and I just want to make the most of it! Last year I went to Hawaii with my best friend, concerts, and Disneyland with a few of my other best friends and it was amazing. I felt… alive. LOL THAT SOUNDS SO DUMB. But really, I made memories that I will have forever. I want more of that. I want to go out more, to go to concerts, to events, to Disneyland, and more. I want to experience everything 24 has to offer me!

4. Run/pass out during/participate in a half-marathon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know, I know. But here’s the deal: there are so many things that I tell myself I can’t do. I can’t die my hair purple, I can’t run for President, I can’t run a half-marathon… and so on. Well, I’m tired of saying “I can’t” do things. I want to do them. So, I’m choosing something that I can eventually do (after months and months of training lololol) and I’m going to do it (or die trying.)

5. Go back to school. Ugh, it’s been a long time coming. I just need to get back to school. Simple as that.


Well, those are my goals. I feel like they’re pretty decent. Not terrible. Possibly achievable. And now it’s on the internet + like my high school teacher used to say, “Once it’s on the internet, it’s real + it can haunt you for the rest of your life.” So. It’s real now. Please hold me accountable.

ALSOOOOO, lolololol this blog has been all about me. 2018 being a new year works for everyone. Surprising, I know. SO, make some goals! This is your chance to start over or make things better. YOU GOT THIS. What are some of your goals? What are some ways you work on achieving goals?

It’s 2018. It’s MY year. It’s YOUR year.

LET’S GET IT.

xoxo

Kristen

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Every Thought I’ve Had On A First Date

If you’re reading this, we probably haven’t gone on a date. I’m sorry. You’re seriously missing out. (lol not really.)

BUT, I’m sure you’re now thinking… “Hmm. Kristen. I’ve never gone on a date with her. I wonder what it would be like.” Well, let me tell you, there’s only one way to find out. Okay, now it seems like I’m begging for a date. I’m not (I am.) Honestly… I don’t know where I’m going with this. This was just supposed to be a funny introduction to my blog post.


Here you go, here is every thought I have while on a date:

*boy calls/texts to ask me out on date*

I’m confused.

Did he mean to ask me?

Maybe it was a mistake, maybe he meant to call a different “Kristen.”

I feel like he was very vague about what we were doing…

What type of shoes am I supposed to wear to this?

Is this something where I should I eat before hand? Light snack or full meal?

*15 minutes before he comes to pick me up*

LOL what if he doesn’t come + stands me up………….

WAIT WHAT IF HE DOESN’T COME

*doorbell rings*

Good. He showed up. This is a good start.

Open the door and be cool.

Um, are we supposed to hug?

Am I supposed to introduce him to my roommates?

Okay. This is weird now.

*walking to the car*

Is he walking towards my door to open it?

What do I do with my hands?

*he opens my door + I’m just sitting in the car looking at him as he is closing my door*

Do I say thank you?? Nope. The door is closed.

*ordering at Zupas*

Soup and sandwich? Sandwich and salad? Soup and salad?

No soup and salad. Who would do that when sandwhich is an option??

*I get to the cash register while he’s still ordering, cashier asks if this is by itself or if I’m with someone*

I shouldn’t ASSUME he’s paying but also if he doesn’t…..

I mean if I’m paying for my own food I wouldn’t have chosen Zupas…

Oh good. He’s here + saying that we’re together.

*starts frantically looking for an open booth because tables suck*

I hope he’s not a same side of the booth type guy.

Wow. Very quick to sit on the other side……. Interesting.

I wonder if I’m going to see anyone I know here.

Oh crap, there’s that one girl I hate from my old job.

Okay. I’m waving to her now.

Perfect now she’s coming to say hi.

How do I introduce him?

Yep, I said, “this is my friend *insert his name here* oops.

I wonder who he voted for…

Am I eating too fast?

Eat slower.

Crap now he’s done eating and I still have half of my food left.

Wait, maybe I shouldn’t finish my food?

Will not finishing my food make me look dainty or wasteful?

LOL K I’ll ask him a big question + then finish this in 3 bites while he’s talking.

*walking back to his car*

Wait is he walking towards my door again?

I STILL DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS.

Do I make eye contact with him while he closes my door?

Bad idea. Eye contact was weird. Now he thinks I’m a serial killer. Perfect.

*driving home*

Wait. He likes Usher? I also like Usher…

Perfect. He watched the Carpool Karaoke.

WAIT HE SECRETLY LOVES ONE DIRECTION TOO?

I need to calm down…

Breathe.

*walking me to my door*

Am I supposed to hug him now?

Kristen. DON’T. TRY. TO. SHAKE. HIS. HAND.

Wait, that was a good hug. I’m glad I didn’t try and shake his hand.

Close the door Kristen + DON’T WAVE EVEN THOUGH I KNOW YOU LOVE WAVING.

*date is over*

I’m still hungry.


I hope you enjoyed your ~~free~~ date with me. It’s way more exciting in person. I promise. I don’t want to be that guy… but might I point out that I didn’t once think:

He asked me out. He’s in love with me.

Ugh, he probably wants to marry me.

What are we going to name our first 2 kids?

I wonder if he has plans for Thanksgiving?

I wonder how he feels about a spring wedding… Honestly I would do a summer or winter or fall wedding too.

WOW. I think he’s obsessed with me…

You see, first dates are the worst. There are so many other things I’m thinking about, I have very little time or ability to be thinking about our future wedding.

I think we all get a little spooked out about asking people on first dates because we don’t want them to think that we’re in love with them. Well, let this be a reminder… there are so many things to be thinking about on a first date, that ain’t nobody got time to worry about all the other stuff. Take a leap. Ask someone on a date. It’ll be worth it.

xoxo

Kristen

p.s. feel free to ask me on a date via DM or email or call or text or a hand-delivered letter

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November Faves

Hi. I know what you’re thinking… Kristen is selling out/trying to become a big blogger and is doing sponsored posts of her favorite things.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I am nowhere NEAR popular enough to do sponsored posts. The closest I’ve ever gotten to a sponsored post was last summer when The Classic Skate Center in Orem gave me a free skating pass for posting on IG about skating. #ad

Anyway, I’ve recently went back + read all of my old posts, including posts on my old “Provo Diaries” blog. I actually laughed out loud at most of them. It was so fun reading them because I remembered what I was feeling at that exact moment when I wrote it. So… I’ve decided to post once a week things about my life: dating (or the lack therof,) my favorite things at the time, churchy stuff, etc. Why? Because I feel like it will be HILARIOUS for me in a few years or in a few months. Hopefully everything is still relatable to y’all. But also if it’s not… oops.


OK. So here are my favorite things RIGHT NOW:

1. Chik-Fil-A Chik-n-Minis. That’s my number one. HAHAHA I’m honestly a joke. If you haven’t tried them, TRY THEM. They are just the regular chicken nuggets in a little dough-y roll covered in some sort of buttery honey glaze sent from Heaven (seriously though I know without a doubt that Chik-Fil-A is the Lord’s food.) They stop serving breakfast at exactly 10:30 on the freaking dot… trust me, they won’t serve you breakfast after 10:30. Make sure you’re prompt, it will be worth it I promise.

2. My job. I work for Kortni Jeane Swimmers and it’s amazing. The swimsuits are the only swimmers I ever wear + I’ve met so many amazing people while working here. Here’s a few photos of me on the job:

3. RESTAURANT APPS. I am a firm believer in the power + blessings that come from downloading all of the restaurants’ apps. I have an entire folder of them on my phone. Noodles & Company, McDonald’s, Chik-Fil-A… the list goes on and on. Seriously, you get either FREE food or discounted things. And I’m 23 so most of my food comes from a place with an app, so might as well use it right?

4. This is my one boujee thing… I accidentally completely destroyed my old phone, so I got the iPhone 8+ and I am obsesssssed. First things first, my old phone was 16GB. It was basically just a fancy calculator. My new phone is 64GB, it’s HUGE, and I can do literally anything from it. Like, I’m writing this entire blog from my phone. ALSO, I can take fancy pictures and by that I mean mainly just taking selfies in a mirror. Here’s 3 from the last week: 5. The song, “Good As Hell” by Lizzo. Here’s the first verse for all my laaaadies:

“Come now, come dry your eyes

You know you a star, you can touch the sky

I know that it’s hard but you have to try

If you need advice, let me simplify

If he don’t love you anymore

Just walk your fine a** out the door

I do my hair toss

Check my nails

Baby how you feelin’?

Feeling good as hell”

My friend showed this song to me + it was EXACTLY what I needed. I HAVEN’T GONE A DAY WITHOUT PLAYING IT AT LEAST 3 TIMES. It is so catchy. And she’s a QUEEN. It’s my new anthem. It should be yours too. Listen to it. Promise? K. Thanks. Also, sorry mom + dad if you’re reading this/listening to the song because it says the “A” word. 

Okay. There’s all of my favorite things right now. Chances are they will be the same next month, but who knows. YOLO.

***Also, Chik-Fil-A if you’re reading this, I’m willing to sell out and be sponsored by you. DM or email me or contact me through your app.

xoxo

Kristen

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Why I Feel Personally Attacked by Dean From BIP

Disclaimer: This is a post specifically about people from Bachelor in Paradise, BUT I feel like everyone should read it. LOLOLOL I mean I feel like everyone should read everything I write… but anyway I feel like this is still relatable content for all. Please enjoy.

Hello. My name is Kristen. You might’ve forgotten who I was because I haven’t posted in a while. I’m so sorry for that. I’ve had a lot going on… and by that I mean I was outside enjoying summer, I started a new/amazing job, and… The Bachelorette + Bachelor in Paradise were in full force these last few months. I’ve clearly had zero time to blog. Priorities people.

Now that Fall is here and Chris Harrison is giving me a breather, I finally have time to start blogging again. Hallelujah.


Like I said, my life has been a little consumed by the Bachelor franchise recently. Between Rachel not choosing Peter, Demario + Corrine, and The Dean Issue, I’ve been a hot mess. For those of you who don’t know what I’m talking about when I say, “The Dean Issue,” consider yourself lucky. But also, consider yourself a little unlucky because that’s all I’m talking about today????

SO, here is the Kristen’s Reader’s Digest version of who Dean Unglert is and why I’m talking about him:

  • Dean is the adorable boy-child from Rachel’s season of The Bachelorette. He was the youngest guy this season and looked like he walked right out of an Old Navy commercial. SERIOUSLY SO PRECIOUS.
  • Dean made it to the Hometowns where he revealed some serious daddy issues. Every woman in America fell in love with him while he cried on the floor. He was just so vulnerable + so beautiful. AGH.
  • Rachel sent him home RIGHT after he told her he loved her… and that’s when my hate for Rachel began….
  • Fast forward a few months and homeboy arrives in (Bachelor In) Paradise. You already KNOW every girl was ready to swoop in. The lucky girl that got to take Dean on a date was America/Russia’s very own sweetheart, Kristina. She has her own story that is worth telling (but tbh I don’t have the energy) but basically she had an evil mother in Russia + then was adopted and brought to America. Her teacher once told her, “If you stay in Russia, your life will be in black and white … and if you go to the U.S., it will be in color.” So she’s out here, living in color, in Paradise taking Hottie McHottie Dean on date. What could go wrong?
  • K. So production is shut down because of the scandal, and everyone is sent home. While home, Dean + Kristina continue to talk/see each other, and they even go on a road trip together.
  • Production for Bachelor in Paradise ends up resuming, everyone heads back to Paradise, and things are going just swell for Dean and Kristina. BUT THEN, Danielle L (D.Lo) walks into Paradise in a dress showing all the goodies, and swoops Dean up. They make out on the beach and Kristina cries.
  • The rest of the show continues in a weird back and forth where Dean is cuddling/making out/having DTR converstaions with both girls on the same beach 10 feet apart until Kristina finally decides that she’s had enough + decides to send herself home.
  • THEN, Dean cries the next morning and tells D.Lo that he actually loved Kristina and now he’s sad… so he goes home too.

OK, now here are some of my favorite quotes from Dean from this season:

“I’m just like… figuring it all out.” – Dean’s motto for the season

Bachelor in Paradise Finale Recap: A GIF by GIF Guide!

“I’m in a very interesting situation right now… You know Kristina is very, very interested in our relationship, but I’m very interested and attracted to Danielle L.” – Dean explaining his “situation”

 

AND HERE IS THE MOMENT WHEN EVERY GIRL FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH DEAN UNGLERT:

“Kristina is just so much more like, perceptive and smart, and like, is an  interesting person altogether. Uh, but D-Lo is just so f***ing hot.” (Btw I definitely screamed a very bad word when I first heard him say this.)

https://nypdecider.files.wordpress.com/2017/06/the-bachelor-scared-of-heights.gif?w=618&h=342

 

 

Okay last but not least, here is one of my fave conversations between Dean + Kristina:

“I care so much more about the way that you feel than Danielle.” -Dean

“Really?” -Kristina

*Dean shakes his head and smiles* He then tells her how smart + attractive she is and how he is infatuated by her. Then they kiss.

THEN LIKE 5 MINUTES LATER HE TALKS TO D.LO AND FREAKING KISSES HER AND TELLS HER THAT HE IS INFATUATED BY HER.


Okay. Hopefully you’re all caught up now.

For those of you who watched Bachelor in Paradise/or read my wonderful Reader’s Digest version of the events, you KNOW how mad you were/are at Dean. But why? Every season has a terrible playboy that hurts everyone’s favorite girl. That’s literally what the show is about, “love” and drama. They wouldn’t have lasted one season if the show was about respectful dating and mature decisions. BUT WHY DOES THE DEAN VS. KRISTINA VS. D.LO SITUATION STING SO MUCH??

Because it is so real.

In the words of Taylor Swift, “ARE YOU READY FOR IT?” Let’s try to put this into some real life perspective.

Dean is the average cute-borderline-hot guy we all know. He’s got some family problems that makes any girl fantasize about hugging him while he cries and you both kiss in between drinking hot chocolate on a snowy night. He’s got the cutest smile + laugh, and everyone loves him. Seriously. Girls think he’s literally perfection and all of the guys think he’s “the man.”

Kristina is every single one of us (unless you’re a D-Lo… if so, you go girl.) She is the girl just trying to find love. She’s playing “the game” but only because she sees it as a means to find a happily ever after, not because she actually enjoys it. LITERALLY EVERYONE loves her + wants her to find love + but also none of us understand how she’s ending up in such a crappy situation??????? She deserves so much more than what she’s getting, but the smooth talking hottie Dean knows exactly what to say to keep her coming back for more.

D-Lo is the classic hot girl that ruins everything. She’s not actually a terrible person, but she’s hot and that makes us hate her. None of us are too sure if she has a personality #1 because we’ve never heard her say anything noteworthy and #2 because the only things people say about her are “she’s so hot” and… “she’s so hot.” Dean (the hot guy) took a liking to her which isn’t necessarily her fault… After watching a lot of the interviews, it seems like she didn’t really understand the whole situation when getting involved, and that Dean worded thing to make it seem like he wasn’t involved exclusively with Kristina. Dean is the real enemy here, but we still hate D.Lo. And you know what? That’s not okay… but that’s just the way that it is. Sorry D-Lo (and you if you find yourself being the D.Lo in a situation.)

You see where I’m going with this? The reason we all felt personally victimized by Dean Unglert is because we’ve all been there.

We’ve all been the girl just trying to find love with the wrong guy. If you’re in a college town (like, I don’t know… Provo for instance….) it’s a thousand times worse. There’s always going to be a D.Lo to your Dean. There will always be someone who is hotter than you or more exotic + exciting. Guess what? That freaking sucks. But that’s also life and we just gotta learn to deal.

For a long time I’ve thought to myself, “I wish I could be hotter, and then I could be the hot girl that these guys want.” But… watching this season I realized that that wasn’t the answer. No matter how amazing Kristina was… Dean wasn’t looking for love, he was looking for a hot hookup. There was nothing that Kristina could have done that would have changed that.

I can’t even begin to count the times a guy has gone with another girl over me and my first thoughts are, “maybe I’m not pretty enough/funny enough/cool enough/etc.” The fact of the matter is that not everyone is looking for the exact same things at the same time. If Kristina would’ve realized during the 3rd week that Dean was just trying to get jiggy with it + not get tied down, she would’ve saved so much heartache and time.

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SO IF YOU’RE FINDING YOURSELF IN A SITUATION WHERE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE BEING STRUNG ALONG, take a step back. Do you both want different things? If so, bounce. Honey, you will not change his mind. Trust me. Also, you don’t need to beg ANYONE to care about you. If he ain’t willing to care, then don’t give him the time of day.

When Kristina left the show, she said, “‘In my next relationship I want to be valued, I want to be respected, and I want to be put first by someone who admires me for who I am and sees the value in me.”

All I have to say is YAAAAAAAS QUEEN.


Here are my final words on the subject:

MEN: If you’re reading this… hello. I’m so glad you made it to the end of this post. Here’s the deal, if you’re #1 dating multiple girls or #2 dating a girl but not too sure if you actually care about her enough to continue to date her: make a decision. Dating has become such a “why date this girl when there’s maybe something better out there” game. That’s fine, but remember, the grass is hardly greener on the other side. You can trust that. You aren’t trying to decide which kind of pre-workout to use, you’re dealing with real people with real emotions. Alternatively, please remember that women are strong as hell. Don’t try to “save” our feelings. If you know at one point that you’re not interested in progressing in a relationship, please speak up so that way we can move on. No girl has ever said, “Ugh, he’s such a jerk. He told me exactly what he was feeling and respected my emotions.” Last but not least, if you would rather have the hot girl then the smart + interesting girl, than let the smart + interesting girl know so that way she can stop wasting her time on you.

WOMEN: You are strong as hell. You don’t NEED a man to feel complete. If you feel like you’re making a guy your #1 priority + he’s not returning the favor, move on. It’s better to be alone and strong than to be the girl that EVERYONE knows is being played. Because *clap* we *clap* all *clap* know. I know that Bachelor in Paradise is severely dramatized, BUT please remember this: Dean kept telling Kristina “just be patient” and guess what… baby girl Kristina was patient… and while she was being patient, he was making out with D.Lo in the pool in front of cameras AND all of Kristina’s friends. IF HE AIN’T TRYING TO DATE/WIFE YOU, (and that’s what you want) THEN DON’T GIVE HIM YOUR 100%. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less. There are seriously so many fish in the sea, don’t waste your time on a snake.

And finally, genders/roles for everything I’ve just said can be totally reversed. Maybe you’re the best guy going after a girl that’s only trying to hook up. The same rules apply. You deserve the world, don’t settle for less.

I love you all + I’m very excited to start blogging more. I hope you are too.

Keep it sassy.

xoxo Kristen

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Rape isn’t real.

Growing up, my mom and I would watch Law & Order: Special Victims Unit every night. No joke. If you had asked me then, I would have told you that I was basically an expert on crime and detective work. If you had asked me then, I would’ve told you exactly what rape was. Rape was walking down an alley and being attacked by a man that was hiding in the shadows. Rape was getting drunk in a sorority and being attacked by a frat boy. Rape was just another episode of a TV show I watched every night before bedtime.

To me? Rape wasn’t real.

It was something horrific that happened in movies and TV. It was something that friends of friends have heard of, but it was never real and present in my own life. Until it was.


October 2013, I (like every other college-aged girl) had downloaded Tinder and met a boy. We had gone on one date and he seemed very nice. He was a returned missionary, he went to BYU, we had tons of mutual friends, etc. I mean, it seemed totally fine.
Thanksgiving 2013 was the first year that I didn’t spend a holiday at home with my family.  Everyone was out of town and I was in my off-campus apartment all by myself for the whole break. He called me and asked if I wanted to go get pizza and watch a movie with him since his roommates were also all out of town. Seemed alright… right? I went, and it was fine. His TV was in his room, so that’s where we went to watch the movie.
We made out and then he told me that he didn’t want to drive me home because of all of the snow. So I said, “ok.” I mean snow sucks, right? So, I fell asleep in his bed.
I don’t really want to go into the graphic details and I hope you can understand why, but I woke up around 2 AM to him on top of me. He had pulled my pants down while I was asleep and I woke up screaming. Obviously, it was all really scary, but it was also really hazy at the same time. It’s kind of hard to explain; it felt like an out of body experience. It went on for a few minutes minutes until I was able to punch him and kick him off. I demanded that he drove me home ASAP. And he did.
I got home, sat in the shower on the floor and cried. I went to church that morning and went straight to my Bishop. I didn’t know what else to do. He seemed like the only adult that I could turn to. We talked, I told him everything and he just kind of sat there. He finally asked if I was planning on going back to BYU (I wasn’t taking classes that semester) I said yes. He said that this kind of behavior wasn’t appropriate if I  wanted to return to BYU. He said that I didn’t deserve what happened, but that there were  things that I could’ve done to prevent it from happening. For example: I shouldn’t have been there by myself, I should have walked home when he told me he couldn’t drive home, I shouldn’t have been there past curfew, etc. He then asked if the guy was temple endowed. I said yes, because I knew he had served a mission. He said that he was more concerned for the guy because he had already made temple covenants. He said that it didn’t really sound like the kind of thing to report since I went there and broke honor code willingly and what not.
My bishop gave me the Miracle of Forgiveness and told me to meet with him again in a month. I did and well… that was that.

I’ve struggled with the idea of sharing this part of my life with the internet world for a very long time. It’s for sure not my “brand.” But, a very special dinner made me realize how important it is to share my story and to heal.
I was able to attend a Honey Organization Survivors’ Dinner a year and a half ago. I sat at a table of women that had been through the most terrible things. It was a safe place to talk, but when I was given the floor to talk, I told them that I was just there in support and that I didn’t have a story of any sort of sexual assault. At that given moment I had told 5 people what happened to me. At that dinner I saw the strength and power all the other women had after confronting their battles head on. I wanted to feel that– I wanted to feel powerful. I hadn’t felt power or control over myself since he took that away from me. I didn’t know how I was going to do it, but I confided in one of my best friends that night about what happened to me and about what I was going to do to take back control.

It wasn’t until two months ago that I decided to tell my parents. After speaking with several people and a new LDS Bishop, I knew that this was the next step. I sent them an email because I couldn’t bear to say any of it over the phone. To this day, I can’t tell this story and use the R-word out loud. I can type it, I can text it, but I just can’t say it. It just still feels so unreal. Telling my family was a weight lifted off of my shoulders. My parents knew that something had changed in the past few years and I think reading everything answered a lot of their own questions. It felt like I could finally breathe a little easier.
A month or two ago, I was speaking with a friend (who most definitely did not know my story) and he said, “You know… I’m surprised at how many girls are actually sexually assaulted. I met the cutest, sweetest girl and she later told me that she has been assaulted. I couldn’t believe it.” The surprise in his voice was so unreal to me. But, I understood it. I understood the thought that rape couldn’t be real. There is no way one human being could do that to another human being. It doesn’t happen in my cute Mormon community and it surely can’t happen in Provo, UT.” I understood what he thought, because I thought the exact same thing up until it happened to me.
I’m sharing this with you because I want to help put a face to a word we’ve all heard, “rape victim.” If you know me in real life or even from my social media, I’m sure all of this is a big surprise. As a young girl (thanks to Law & Order: SVU) I had an idea of what a rape victim looked like. It was not what I see in the morning everyday when I look in the mirror. It wasn’t me. But, it’s so important to acknowledge that sexual assault victims are everywhere and they all look very different. Sexual assault is very real, it’s time we start acknowledging that.

Real quick, let me just jump up on this soap box: Your body is YOUR body. No one (and I mean NO ONE) has possession over your body. You don’t owe anyone a dang thing. Abuse is abuse, whether it’s physical, sexual, or emotional. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you find yourself in an abusive situation, you have to get out. You have to save yourself. Also, everyone has their agency and sex is not a “if and then” situation (if you do this, then you have to have sex.) If you have been abused, no matter the circumstances, it was not/is not your fault. I don’t care if you were drunk, I don’t care if you were breaking the honor code, and I sure as hell don’t care how long your skirt was… it was not your fault. It will never be your fault. Please remember that.

I will not let any of this break me. Last night I woke up from a horrible dream and couldn’t sleep for hours. The nightmares, the being scared of falling asleep, the fear of being alone with men that I do not know well, it’s all still there. But I believe that there is a light at the end of all of this.
I want to end this with my testimony of love. I know that seems ridiculous given how heavy this post was, but I know that love is the light at the end my tunnel. I have a Heavenly Father (and my parents here on Earth) that will help me through this. Not only that, but there are so many resources out there to help people who have gone through these types of things. If you are a victim, know that I love you. Rape, pain and assault is all very real, but so are you. I understand you, and I see you. You are not invisible. You will survive, just like I have, and just like we will fight every day to do.
xoxo Kristen
 Here is a link to Honey Organization. Seriously, obsessed with them and all of the work that they are doing. If you are a victim, the loved one of a victim, or if you just want to get involved, please check out their website.
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